Do you know who you are? Do you know where you begin and end? I don’t. I’ve had problems for so long that I don’t know what part of me is Janet and what part is one of the problems I have. I don’t know whether I have a temper or whether it’s the borderline in me that has the temper. All I know about myself is really superficial stuff. I don’t know that I’ll ever know who I am. I thought I knew, but the more I think about it, the more that I know that I don’t. Oh, and all this thinking about not knowing who I am has made me think of the day when we discussed mental health in Social Work. The professor, who had worked at the Mental Health Center, said that people shouldn’t be identified as the disease they have. Schizophrenics should be known as people who have Schizophrenia. As nice and lovey-dovey and inclusive as that sounds, it’s BS. If you have a disease that affects your mind, and your mind is your sense of self, then you become your disease instead of yourself.
I’ve been writing down things I need to bring up with the psychologist and the doctor on Tuesday. I’ve got a longer list for the psychologist than I do for the doctor. About all I have for the doctor is back pain, stomach problems, asthma (though it’s pretty much under control), and knee stiffness/heat/pain/cracking. He can’t prescribe me anything for the knee and back problems, and even if he could, he still couldn’t. I know that sounds confusing, but since I have stomach problems, I can’t take anti-inflammatories. I can’t even take the “easy on the stomach” ones because somehow they still mess with me. I don’t know which of the two “doctors” I should talk to about being tired all of the time. I know part of why I don’t do the whole sleep thing that well has to do with mental stuff, but I also know that feeling tired all the time can be a sign of something physical.
There’s a new conservative girl on Lavish who I’m enjoying. Not because she’s a nice person because I honestly don’t know if she is or not. I’m enjoying her because she’s picking apart liberals, so I’m helping to pick apart her statements. It’s very fun. I just love the argument that “people shouldn’t have to pay for social programs if they don’t want to”. I countered with “people shouldn’t have to pay for war(s) if they don’t want to” and “people shouldn’t have to pay for drilling in the arctic if they don’t want to”. She’s saying people are being illogical with her, but I don’t think anyone has been illogical with her. She defended Bush saying nuclear incorrectly, which I cannot forgive her for. He is President of this country (even though I don’t particularly like that fact) and as such he should be able to say the word “nuclear” properly. I don’t care that he’s human and can make mistakes. Mistakes are there for you to learn from and correct yourself and be a better person. If you can’t say nuclear properly, you shouldn’t be in charge of the military of a country that possesses nuclear weapons and wants to take away nuclear weapons from other countries. Oh, with the girl’s disregard for social programs and her insistance that poor people are leeches, not just people who manipulate the system. She claimed that 78% of the country is made of Conservatives, which is not true. If that were true, then Bush would’ve won with at least 70% (not all Conservatives would’ve voted for him) of the vote. And then there’s this (in response to my telling her never to go into a human service career, especially social work):
I would never go in to social work. I wouldn’t want to live on other people’s money like that. I’d be guilty as heck. And actually,the student’s wouldn’t eat me alive because they’re all probably a bunch of vegans. If you mean that in the sense that they’d beat me in a debate…no. They wouldn’t. Not logically anyway. It might seem as though they did, but their arguments would make no sense. The logo for human service careers should be a pig with little pigs suckling on it…for obvious reasons.
She wanted there to be no name-calling and mocking, and when I pointed out that this (especially the vegan comment and the pigs comment) was mocking human service people, and me, she claimed it wasn’t. 😡 Anyway, I was incredibly restrained in my discussing things with her. I didn’t call Bush or her an idiot once, no matter how many times I may have thought about it. I didn’t call either a bunch of names either, which I could have. I didn’t get hateful, though I wanted to. I think I deserve a cookie, or, at the very least, a gold star.