Last night, my mother and I were sitting up talking about different things, mainly some of my problems. I’ve realized over the past few months and years that one of my big things is what I guess you’d call a fear of growing up. I’m so scared of taking responsibility (which is weird since I was nominated for Most Dependable when I was in middle school) and controlling my destiny. I still sleep with a teddy bear and my baby blanket. I refuse to drive and blame it on a fear of cars and driving, which is true, but it shouldn’t be an excuse that I cling to. I’ve quit doing my laundry, mainly because I’m too depressed to. I’ve never learned to cook. I still call my parents “Mommy” and “Daddy”. I feel like I’ve just quit growing, and have started a backslide into immaturity or something. I think I need to talk about this in therapy, so I can learn how to not be this way. I’m 21. I should be able to be more mature.

I also talked to my mom about money. Whenever I have it, I spend it…quickly. I don’t necessarily mean to. I’ll walk into a store or, even worse, the mall and I’ll walk out with no money and lots of things that I don’t necessarily need or want. That’s how I ended up getting the Spice Girls CD when I was in middle school. I saw it in a store and “had to have it”, even though I didn’t really want it. It’s not just money that I waste, I eat food when I don’t want/need it and I hurt myself without thinking.

About the only impulse I seem to be able to control is my impulse to steal things when I’m in stores. The only time I ever stole anything was when I was 2 or 3 and I stole a Garfield pencil sharpener, which I promptly showed to my mother and she promptly marched me back into the store to apologize and give it back. Somehow, I still ended up with it. Anyway, when I’m in a store, I’ll see something and I’ll want to steal it. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is that fear of getting caught. I don’t want to get in trouble, and I know I would.

I had my exam today in Health. I think I did okay on it, though it covered things that I hadn’t studied. (My teacher said that we could basically study her study sheet or the study guides in the back of the book, I chose the latter…the test was on the former.) Oh well, all I needed was a 13 to get an A in the class. Maybe I got that much. I was a little annoyed while I was taking the test, though. We had to wait 20 minutes for a girl to show up so that she could be awarded a special certificate from the Health Department for making a poster on STD’s. Then, when I was about to leave, the teacher tried to pressure me to get some condoms that the Health Department left. I don’t think I need to get condoms, since the thought of being touched in any way makes me want to slap/maim people.

I got another comment about my mental illnesses being fake. I was diagnosed by a 16 year old from Australia with hypochondria. She commented saying that I didn’t really have any of the problems I’ve talked about, that I basically proclaim them as a badge of honor, and that I didn’t give a true representation of mental illness. What am I supposed to do? Not talk about them? Not be truthful about who I am and what I go through? Not have a website? How exactly am I supposed to represent mental illness? I’m honest about what I go through…sometimes too honest. I don’t feel shame in my problems or that I should have to hide them when I talk about my life online. That doesn’t mean that I’m proud of them. Sure, I think having a psychological problems gives a person a different perspective on life, but I don’t think it makes them better or worse than a “normal” person. It just gives them a different look on life. I responded via e-mail and response to her comment, but I’m not going to plug her in this entry or encourage anyone to go hound her. The only thing I want to know from this girl is what gives her her credentials? How does she “know” what’s wrong with me if she doesn’t have a psychology, medical, or social work degree? How does she “know” better than all of the mental health experts I’ve seen in my life? Oh, and I’ve added the following “disclaimer” to my page about my psychological/psychiatric problems:

This page is completely honest about my problems and I’ve included information on the different things I’ve been diagnosed with. I have been diagnosed by mental health professionals, and have not self-diagnosed any of the things I list below. I have seen many doctors and therapists, which is why I’ve accumulated many diagnoses. I don’t know which diagnosis is the most accurate. All I know is what I’ve been told by doctors and what I’ve researched on my own.

I know that won’t stop the comments and rude questions. Nothing will. I do know that if I stop talking about what I go through, then I would be giving in to that perception that mental illness is something to be ashamed of, and I don’t want that stigma to be furthered.

Oh, if you’ve noticed, I’ve added 5 more themes. They’re all old themes that I’ve converted to the new theme system on WP. I plan on adding about 5 or 10 more. It all depends on how I feel, and how much time I dedicate to studying for my Social Work exam. In the meantime, would you guys mind checking them out and letting me know which one you think should be the default theme? I’m thinking of setting it as I Turn To You, but I haven’t fully decided yet.

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I moved out of the dorm this morning. I packed up my remaining stuff (well, my parents did a lot of that), cleaned the bathroom and the furniture, and turned in my keys. I didn’t have to pay a $200 fee for cleaning, since apparently I did a good enough job on my own. Who’d have thunk that? If you ever looked at my bedroom at home, you would think that I didn’t know how to clean. It’s not that I don’t know how, it’s just that I don’t particularly like it and I always am too exhausted to do it by the time I’ve started. I get tired quickly. Or maybe my mind just convinces me that I’m tired when I first start.

I’ve got only 2 more exams to go, which I need to be studying for. Health is Monday at 11 and Social Work is Thursday at 8. I found out that the test I thought I flunked in Social Work actually scored an 85.25. I was quite pleased with that score. That was so much better than the D or F that I was expecting. That should be enough to help me on my way to earning an A in that class.

Oh, I’ve started some icon challenges on LJ, so if you like to make icons, please go join them. They are:

• Charmed Ones Stillness – an icon challenge for icons featuring the Charmed Ones from “Charmed”
• Hermione Granger Stillness – an icon challenge for icons featuring Hermione Granger from Harry Potter
• Kate Winslet Stillness – an icon challenge for icons featuring Kate Winslet
• Stunning Moments – an icon challenge for icons featuring “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”
• Willow Stillness – an icon challenge for icons featuring Willow Rosenberg from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”
• Women of BtVS/Angel Stillness – an icon challenge for icons featuring the female characters of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel”

The first challenge is currently in the voting stage for five of those challenges (the exception is Stunning Moments).

Oh, today is the Kentucky Derby. One of the days of the year that I don’t enjoy. I believe horse racing is cruel.

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Well, my site is no longer a secret to everyone at school. It wasn’t really a secret to begin with. I just had never really told anyone, except my roommate about it. (I don’t think she remembered that it existed, though.) Today after Biology, some of the people in both my Biology and Social Work classes went to the Social Work computer lab and I tagged along. Two of the guys and one of the girls (who actually isn’t in my Social Work class, but has a class in the building) were surfing the internet. I tried to get on one of the other computers and it didn’t have Firefox, so I tried Internet Explorer. Well, that wouldn’t work. (I even checked the Task Manager and the program wouldn’t get over like 8,000 K.) So, I wanted to know 1.) where my name came up with fps on Google (I know that on Yahoo! it goes between 3, 4, and 5) and 2.) if there had been any new comments since Sunday afternoon. I asked Dedrick to check the Google thing for me. I told him just to enter Janet on Google, but he wanted to enter my full name. I knew that wouldn’t work, so eventually I got him just to enter Janet. There fps was–#6. Then, he clicked the link and he was like, “this is your daily blog.” I saw that there were some new comments, and I told him he could close the page, but first he decided to write down the address. So, now, he knows…and so do Wayne and Jillian. That’s okay. They’re all nice and understanding.

While Dedrick, Jillian, Wayne, and I were in the computer lab, I was trying to go over stuff for my group’s presentation for the Social Work class. I couldn’t remember anything except that disease meant “wanting of ease”. That was it. I said something about it being because I’m bipolar because I know that that has something to do with why my brain acts wonky. Well, Dedrick didn’t want me blaming my lack of memory on bipolar because he wanted all of us to do well and get through college. I guess if I start blaming my inability to remember on having psych problems, I won’t stop doing that or I won’t be able to finish school. I don’t know. He had good intentions, though, and I appreciated that. I decided since I couldn’t remember anything aside from what disease meant that I should jot down a few notes and just take my notebook up when it was my turn to talk. That worked.

I missed my therapy appointment yesterday morning. I just totally forgot about it. I’ll have to reschedule. I’m glad that I didn’t miss it before I went to see my psychiatrist because I know that if you skip therapy enough that the psychiatrist will stop prescribing meds. I don’t need that happening. I didn’t realize until last night at 9:00 that I had even missed the appointment. I was depressed and having my typical dorm room breakdown, and I realized it was the 2nd and that I had an appointment with Gulshan on the 2nd. I immediately called my mom, and she already knew because Gulshan had called.

I’m a little annoyed. Today in Biology we were supposed to only be in there for 5 minutes to do evaluations on the teacher. Well, apparently, the Biology department doesn’t have the evaluation forms yet, so we have to go to Biology on Thursday. I was planning on sleeping in on Thursday. Now I have to be ready for an 8:00 class so that I can stay for 5 minutes then, and then climb “The Hill” to wait over almost an hour and a half for my Social Work class. That was my plan for today!

I was also a bit annoyed when it came time to find out if I was exempt for my World Literature exam. My teacher had down that I got a 73 on my first paper in the class. My response? “That’s weird because it said 90 on my paper.” She said she’d check it out. The person before me got a 73, so she thinks she may have just written that twice on accident. Anyway, it didn’t really pull down my grade that much, and I still get to exempt. It’s just weird when you know you did better than the grade shows and you don’t have the proof because the teacher took back the papers.

Tomorrow, I go see the ENT to find out about my ear. I hope whatever is wrong with it doesn’t require surgery, expensive procedures/medicine, etc. I know something is still wrong with it (it still hurts), so I hope that he finds whatever it is and I hope its fixable. I just don’t want it to be costly.

Edited (May 4, 2005 @ 1:49 pm) I went to the ENT. He said it was normal to still have some problems after a really bad ear infection for up to about 5-6 weeks after the infection began. That leaves me 2-3 more weeks of pain and stuff. He’ll see me again in 2 weeks to see if it is still wonky. If it is, he may have to lance it or do tests.

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