I think I’ve gained some weight since I started on the Geodon. Of course, I’ve been eating more since I went on it, so that makes sense. I hate anti-psychotics. They make you crave all this stuff and then they knock you out. I don’t remember gaining much weight on Risperdal, but I gained 50 pounds when I went on Zyprexa. Some people might say that I use the drugs as an excuse to gain weight, but that’s not true. I don’t like being overweight. I would love to lose more weight. It’s just that it seems like the more psych medicine I get put on, the more my weight seems to go up. Of course, the alternative to gaining weight/taking psych medicine isn’t exactly a bed of roses, so it isn’t an alternative that I actually want to try.
I wrote some more rants in the Opinionated Girl section. I wrote two on abortion-related stuff, but they’re rather short. I also wrote one about how some of the Christian bumper stickers that exist upset/annoy/anger me. I know, that seems like such a silly thing, but one of them in particular truly bugs me. It’s the In case of Rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned one, and I just get so frustrated when I see it. It reminds me of my time at Rapture Ready, where I used to argue with the people. My time there was very short, only a few days, because they didn’t like what I had to say. I tried being nice, but I couldn’t help but show my disgust on more than a few occasions. They didn’t keep anyone around that disagreed with them. They claimed that it had to do with us being hateful and using up their bandwidth and our being ignorant. They called me an Anti-Semite because I argued that Muslims weren’t evil and that Palestinians need their own state. So, I got banned. That was almost 3 years ago. I checked back to see if they’re still talking about the end of the world, and they are. If the world was going to end 3 years ago, why is it still around? I could always join again and ask, but I really don’t want to waste my time with them.
I need to get A Knight’s Tale on DVD. Molly decided that my tape version of it would make a good chew toy. My mom and I weren’t paying attention to her, and she just started chewing on it. Now we have chicken wire around the tapes and DVDs so that she won’t attempt another gnawing expedition.
I finally figured out part of why I hate being touched. I remembered last night (after being touched on the back) that Kristin C., a girl I went to school with, used to love to poke me. She would come up and poke me to watch my skin go from rosy to white. She treated me like crap most of the time, but the thing she seemed to love the most was to poke me…which was worse than being treated like crap. It hurt, and I didn’t like the invasion of space. I think I told her to stop doing it, but she didn’t care how I felt about it.
I have therapy tomorrow morning at 9:00. I get to try to remember all the things that have gone on in the past month and cram them into a thirty minute session. It’s always been hard enough doing that with hour-long sessions, but cramming all of my uneventful life into a thirty minute session will be very difficult. I could always ask for more frequent visits, but that would cost more. Besides, right now I’m not as depressed as I have been. I don’t know what state I’d classify myself as being. I took a quiz online (I know, they’re unaccurate) and it said that I was a 43 on the manic quiz, which meant I had moderate/severe mania. (It probably would’ve been lower if I hadn’t said I get irritable a lot of the time.) I decided to take the depression quiz to see how I ranked on it, and it said I was an 89 which is definitely severe depression. The thing was that the day I took it, I was in a bit of a mental void. I was depressed in a sense, but manic in another. I don’t think that I was severe on either for that day. I don’t ever feel severely manic. I’ll have a million thoughts, jumbled words, lots of ideas, lots of projects get started, am really irritable, etc., but I’ve never thought of that as mania. I just thought of it as my better days, except the irritable part. It’s amazing how you think that the way you’ve been for part of your life is somehow “wrong”, when it doesn’t feel wrong. It just feels different. Not really good different. Just different.