Impulse Control 6

Last night, my mother and I were sitting up talking about different things, mainly some of my problems. I’ve realized over the past few months and years that one of my big things is what I guess you’d call a fear of growing up. I’m so scared of taking responsibility (which is weird since I was nominated for Most Dependable when I was in middle school) and controlling my destiny. I still sleep with a teddy bear and my baby blanket. I refuse to drive and blame it on a fear of cars and driving, which is true, but it shouldn’t be an excuse that I cling to. I’ve quit doing my laundry, mainly because I’m too depressed to. I’ve never learned to cook. I still call my parents “Mommy” and “Daddy”. I feel like I’ve just quit growing, and have started a backslide into immaturity or something. I think I need to talk about this in therapy, so I can learn how to not be this way. I’m 21. I should be able to be more mature.

I also talked to my mom about money. Whenever I have it, I spend it…quickly. I don’t necessarily mean to. I’ll walk into a store or, even worse, the mall and I’ll walk out with no money and lots of things that I don’t necessarily need or want. That’s how I ended up getting the Spice Girls CD when I was in middle school. I saw it in a store and “had to have it”, even though I didn’t really want it. It’s not just money that I waste, I eat food when I don’t want/need it and I hurt myself without thinking.

About the only impulse I seem to be able to control is my impulse to steal things when I’m in stores. The only time I ever stole anything was when I was 2 or 3 and I stole a Garfield pencil sharpener, which I promptly showed to my mother and she promptly marched me back into the store to apologize and give it back. Somehow, I still ended up with it. Anyway, when I’m in a store, I’ll see something and I’ll want to steal it. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is that fear of getting caught. I don’t want to get in trouble, and I know I would.

I had my exam today in Health. I think I did okay on it, though it covered things that I hadn’t studied. (My teacher said that we could basically study her study sheet or the study guides in the back of the book, I chose the latter…the test was on the former.) Oh well, all I needed was a 13 to get an A in the class. Maybe I got that much. 🙂 I was a little annoyed while I was taking the test, though. We had to wait 20 minutes for a girl to show up so that she could be awarded a special certificate from the Health Department for making a poster on STD’s. Then, when I was about to leave, the teacher tried to pressure me to get some condoms that the Health Department left. I don’t think I need to get condoms, since the thought of being touched in any way makes me want to slap/maim people.

I got another comment about my mental illnesses being fake. I was diagnosed by a 16 year old from Australia with hypochondria. She commented saying that I didn’t really have any of the problems I’ve talked about, that I basically proclaim them as a badge of honor, and that I didn’t give a true representation of mental illness. What am I supposed to do? Not talk about them? Not be truthful about who I am and what I go through? Not have a website? How exactly am I supposed to represent mental illness? I’m honest about what I go through…sometimes too honest. I don’t feel shame in my problems or that I should have to hide them when I talk about my life online. That doesn’t mean that I’m proud of them. Sure, I think having a psychological problems gives a person a different perspective on life, but I don’t think it makes them better or worse than a “normal” person. It just gives them a different look on life. I responded via e-mail and response to her comment, but I’m not going to plug her in this entry or encourage anyone to go hound her. The only thing I want to know from this girl is what gives her her credentials? How does she “know” what’s wrong with me if she doesn’t have a psychology, medical, or social work degree? How does she “know” better than all of the mental health experts I’ve seen in my life? Oh, and I’ve added the following “disclaimer” to my page about my psychological/psychiatric problems:

This page is completely honest about my problems and Ive included information on the different things Ive been diagnosed with. I have been diagnosed by mental health professionals, and have not self-diagnosed any of the things I list below. I have seen many doctors and therapists, which is why Ive accumulated many diagnoses. I dont know which diagnosis is the most accurate. All I know is what Ive been told by doctors and what Ive researched on my own.

I know that won’t stop the comments and rude questions. Nothing will. I do know that if I stop talking about what I go through, then I would be giving in to that perception that mental illness is something to be ashamed of, and I don’t want that stigma to be furthered.

Oh, if you’ve noticed, I’ve added 5 more themes. They’re all old themes that I’ve converted to the new theme system on WP. I plan on adding about 5 or 10 more. It all depends on how I feel, and how much time I dedicate to studying for my Social Work exam. In the meantime, would you guys mind checking them out and letting me know which one you think should be the default theme? I’m thinking of setting it as I Turn To You, but I haven’t fully decided yet.

About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.

6 thoughts on “Impulse Control

  • Ashley

    ^^ Exactly what AbandonedHero said. You are 100% YOU, you don’t hide behind anything. And that’s why I like visiting your blog. You’re real, and awesome 🙂

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