Maybe slightly being off schedule with my Geodon didn’t do a thing the other night. (I’m back on schedule, btw.) Maybe its just a sign that my problems are still there. Not that there was any doubt about that. It’s just that when you go a few days without seeing or hearing things, you think, “Maybe I’m getting better.” Maybe I shouldn’t make assumptions like that.
Yesterday, it started with my seeing a demon on a girl’s tie-dye shirt. Later, I came to the conclusion that there are people in the walls of my dorm building. I can’t see them, but I know they’re there. I also decided that there are probably cameras that I can’t see that are watching me. It’s no longer just the one that I think is in the smoke detector in my room up there. Then, last night, after coming to these rational conclusions, I started crying like crazy and feeling like everything was getting worse and like I was dying. So, I tried going to bed, but I started clawing at my skin. I didn’t do any damage, though. I started doing it again during my Social Work class. I don’t think anyone noticed.
I know I thought about more weird things last night, but I don’t remember them. I called my mom and told her about the people in the walls and the cameras, and then I know I said other things. I remember promising that I had taken my medicine, but that’s about it.
You know what’s difficult? Realizing that your thoughts are absolutely crazy and unfounded, yet still believing them. I know that what I thought yesterday was ludicrous and probably untrue, yet I still believed it. I still believe that when I’m outside that people are watching me, and that sometimes people follow me. I still see, hear, and feel things, and I believe that they’re there even when I know they’re not. Someone told me that this wasn’t unusual for Bipolars, but that’s what some people said about Borderlines and when I brought it up around them, they all seemed to shun me and point me towards the Schizophrenics.
Oh, I made a new theme Float On A Cloud. It’s quite simple. I should probably start making more complex ones, but I’m sticking with simple for now. And I’m looking for affiliates, link exchanges, and sibling sites.