If These Walls Could…See 11

Maybe slightly being off schedule with my Geodon didn’t do a thing the other night. (I’m back on schedule, btw.) Maybe its just a sign that my problems are still there. Not that there was any doubt about that. It’s just that when you go a few days without seeing or hearing things, you think, “Maybe I’m getting better.” Maybe I shouldn’t make assumptions like that.

Yesterday, it started with my seeing a demon on a girl’s tie-dye shirt. Later, I came to the conclusion that there are people in the walls of my dorm building. I can’t see them, but I know they’re there. I also decided that there are probably cameras that I can’t see that are watching me. It’s no longer just the one that I think is in the smoke detector in my room up there. Then, last night, after coming to these rational conclusions, I started crying like crazy and feeling like everything was getting worse and like I was dying. So, I tried going to bed, but I started clawing at my skin. I didn’t do any damage, though. I started doing it again during my Social Work class. I don’t think anyone noticed.

I know I thought about more weird things last night, but I don’t remember them. I called my mom and told her about the people in the walls and the cameras, and then I know I said other things. I remember promising that I had taken my medicine, but that’s about it.

You know what’s difficult? Realizing that your thoughts are absolutely crazy and unfounded, yet still believing them. I know that what I thought yesterday was ludicrous and probably untrue, yet I still believed it. I still believe that when I’m outside that people are watching me, and that sometimes people follow me. I still see, hear, and feel things, and I believe that they’re there even when I know they’re not. Someone told me that this wasn’t unusual for Bipolars, but that’s what some people said about Borderlines and when I brought it up around them, they all seemed to shun me and point me towards the Schizophrenics.

Oh, I made a new theme Float On A Cloud. It’s quite simple. I should probably start making more complex ones, but I’m sticking with simple for now. And I’m looking for affiliates, link exchanges, and sibling sites.

About Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.

11 thoughts on “If These Walls Could…See

  • pia

    You brought up a great point when you talked about each group pointing to the next–borderlines to schzophrenics. That’s the way it is in real life too–in just about everything.

    Congrats on your field placement. Worked with older adults with problems–half the time it was their meds, or diet–not probably hydrated, even urinary tract infections can cause symptoms of dementia.

    It’s totally fascinating.

    I’m not around for a few weeks, and you have totally new skins and a zillion comments.
    You go girl

  • Janet
    Post author

    I was only off them for one day last week. The problems I had that day, I can attribute to the drugs, but I don’t think that being off by one day a week ago would have messed with me Wednesday night.

    Congrats on your placement. That’s awesome. 🙂

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