Only a few more weeks until school gets out for the summer, and I am quite thankful. I need my vacation. Of course, knowing me, I’ll probably find some way to not get a minute’s rest during that vacation and I’ll start back to school in the Fall completely frazzled and tired. I’m very good at wasting my vacation time.
On Thursday, the Honors Convocation at A&M was held, and I was supposed to go be honored for being on the Dean’s List last semester. I actually did go. My mom and I sat there and waited for about an hour for the thing to start, but right before it started, we left. Why? Well, the gym got very crowded and there were lots of people, and we’re both prone to panic attacks when we’re around a lot of people. I was also on edge because, since we were sitting on the bleachers, people kept touching me and I have this thing where when I get touched, I tend to get a bit angry and want to hit people. I’ve never really brought that up in therapy, though I probably should since it has nearly led to quite a few people getting slapped or pushed across the room. (I’ve never actually slapped someone for it, but the anger and uneasiness from the incidents has preceded my SI-ing.) So, my mom and I left and took a Klonopin.
So far the Lamictal hasn’t killed me, so that’s a yay. My mom told me that its probably not going to give me the rash, but I’m still being cautious. The Geodon is still knocking me out after I take it in the morning, but I’m having to take it an hour earlier at night so that I can actually get to sleep. It’s weird that I can sleep after taking it in the morning, but I have trouble sleeping when I take it at night. Oh, and on Thursday, I only took half of my dose so that I could make it through classes without passing out.
I’ve been having weird dreams lately, but they’re not really weird. They’re just confusing. I’ve been dreaming about my high school friends and crush, and in my dreams I’m so happy because I’m around them. In reality, I haven’t talked to people from my last high school since around the time I had surgery in 2003. Part of me wants to contact them, but I’m afraid to. I don’t know that I would feel comfortable with them. Unless they’ve actually been reading here, then they all think that I’ve gone back to being a normal college student who doesn’t have problems. I know that the ones that kept in touch with me after I dropped out of school seemed to be okay with my problems and wished me well, but I feel uncomfortable with them because, even if they won’t admit it, it changed our friendships. It changed what they thought of me. Before I admitted I had problems, everyone thought I was this happy-go-lucky girl who was nice to everyone and was really smart. Of course, a lot of that was probably because I was nice to everyone and was smart and tried to smile when I saw people in the hallway, but I wasn’t being me. Of course, I’m going through the same kind of problems with my classmates at A&M. I’ve let some know that I’ve had problems with depression and there is the one girl who knows I’m Bipolar. Still, I haven’t been completely honest with them because I’m so afraid of letting them know. I know it’s silly that I can be honest on a blog, but I can’t tell people I see all the time about what goes on in my head.
Oh, speaking of being honest about my problems, we have journals that we have to keep for Intro to Social Work, and in my journal I wrote about the falling asleep in class from my Geodon (though I didn’t mention it by name). I also said that I had recently been diagnosed as being Bipolar. I still haven’t said anything about being psychotic, and I don’t plan to. I know that she would be understanding, but I still don’t feel safe enough to disclose that kind of information.
Oh, and I want to see that new tv show Revelations, but its on at the same time as Alias. I’m not missing Alias, so I guess I won’t get to see Revelations, unless it gets picked up and ends up having reruns during the summer.