Over the weekend, I figured I would begin adjusting to taking the new medicine, but I’ve learned that it may take me a while to adjust to it. That especially applies to Geodon. On Sunday, I took one and a little while after I took it, I fell asleep and slept for 4 hours, even though before I took it, I was really awake. Then, this morning I took it and headed to class. I started falling asleep at my desk in Biology. We had to get in groups, and I was constantly laying my head down and falling asleep. I just couldn’t stay awake. So when I got up to my Social Work class, I said to someone that I might fall asleep because of the new medicine. When we were told to get into our groups, that girl asked me why I was on the medicine, and I was pretty honest with her. I told her that it was because I’m Bipolar, which led to the question of what Bipolar means. You know, that seems like an easy question to answer until you go to answer it. It’s very complex. The more I think about the diagnosis, the more I think it fits me. It explains a lot of my projects/ideas that I get started on and then end up quitting or never finishing.
One thing it doesn’t seem to explain is the psychotic stuff, which I’m still experiencing. Yesterday, as I was waiting for the cafeteria to open, I saw the wall moving again. Then, I heard carousel music. I enjoyed the carousel music because it was soft and soothing, but the wall moving was a bit much for me. I saw other things, like bugs and stuff, but the wall moving was the main thing.
I think I may have found a solution to my roommate’s friend dropping her son off at the dorm for my roommate to watch him. Yesterday, I was on the phone with Social Security to find out how I could finish applying for benefits (I can’t do the rest of the application process online because I’ve never officially worked) and my roommate’s friends were in the room. When I was asked what the disability was for, I replied “mental illness”. Right after I said that, my roommate’s friends quickly exited the room. I don’t think they wanted to be around the crazy girl.
It seemed to shock the woman from Social Security that I hadn’t applied for disability earlier or that my parents hadn’t filed for it sooner since I told her that I’d had mental health problems since I was at least 8 years old, and that they had been disabiling since I was 16. I don’t know if that will affect the outcome of my filing for benefits or not. I know I had a lot of doctors/therapists/clinics/hospitals that I had to sign waivers for (13), which probably would’ve been higher if I had included other problems aside from my mental health problems, but I just went with the mental health ones. I couldn’t submit the name of my first therapist (the one I saw when I was 8 ) because I couldn’t remember her last name and I don’t even know if she’s still alive. I know she’s not in practice anymore. Of course, that may have to do with her shoddy techniques–like trying to convince me that I was sexually abused (which I wasn’t) while telling my mom that I was severely depressed and telling my school counselor that I was perfectly fine. Of course, what did she really know about my mental health, since she spent most of our sessions playing solitude while I spent most of the time playing with the dollhouse and playing with toys in the sand.
Oh, and I will be a Social Work major after all. I thought about it and decided it was what was best for me and for my goals. You should have seen my advisor/teacher when I told her. She hugged me and said she’d finish processing my paperwork. I asked her what I needed to do, and she told me that I just needed to look through the schedule stuff for the Fall and come up with a schedule for her to sign off on. I don’t have to reapply or anything. Of course, it helps that she’s the coordinator for the program, so I think she has a bit of say in who gets to stay in the program. I finally feel relieved. More relieved than I was when I was going to go into psychology. I think I’m feeling better about this because this was the path I wanted to go on to begin with. The only think I’m going to miss is the graduate program in psychology…there was a class I wanted to take called “psychopathology”, which everytime I think of I think of it as “psychopath” + “ology” instead of “psycho” + “pathology”. It would be more fun my way. 😉
I’ve been a bit weird lately about my Lamictal. My psychiatrist told me that there is always the risk that a person will have a life-threatening rash, so every itchy spot I get, I over-analyze because I’m afraid it will be part of the life-threatening rash. I’m fairly certain that the bug bite and eczema itching are just that, a bug bite and eczema. Still, I’m a bit of a natural worrywort. And there’s another not-so-wonderful side effect to going on Geodon. I seem to want more chocolate and other not-so-good-for-me foods. Everytime I go on an antipsychotic or up a dose on one, I have this tendency to want to overindulge in certain foods.
You know what I realized when I was at Deb’s site? I’ve never had a communion or a sacrement (that’s what its called at my mom’s church). I think I had the opportunity to participate when I went with my grandmother to her church when I was younger, but I never did. I would go up to the front of the church, but I never took the juice or bread. And I never take any at my mom’s church because I’m not a member. It’s not something that I’m sorry that I missed out on, but its just one of those things that most people seem to have and I just realized that I didn’t ever have it. Hey, maybe if I ever start going to church again (doubtful, since I don’t like organized religion), I can one day have my “first communion”.
I’ve got a new layout up at Born On A… and I’m slowly readding the members to the clique. Please go join if you haven’t already. 🙂