I went to the “crazy doc” today. I think he’s psychic (not really) because he asked about my racing thoughts, and I don’t think I’d ever said anything to anyone at Mental Health about racing thoughts. I know its a common symptom of being bipolar, but still, not every patient has it, so how did he know I had it? He decreased my Effexor again and increased my Lamictal to 200 mg once I finish the starter pack. He also increased my Geodon to 120 mg. My mom said that he’s probably about to take me off of Effexor, which scares the crap out of me. I’ve been on it for almost 4 years and, with the exception of the few months I was off of it in 2003 (in preparation for surgery), I’ve never done well when I chose not to take it. I’ve always gotten more psychotic and depressed when I went off of it. I don’t see how taking me off of it will be a good thing for me. I wonder if he’s planning on putting me on another antidepressant. It better not be Paxil or Celexa or MAOIs. Okay, I’ve never been on a MAOI, but I refuse to go on a drug that will not allow me to have cheese and has a limit on chocolate. As for the Paxil and Celexa, they’ve been tried in the past and don’t work with me, so there would be no point in putting me on them. Besides, I wouldn’t take them if he did prescribe them for me, and I would tell him that.

I need to read something in my World Literature book so that I can write a paper this weekend. I’ll probably have to read as I write because otherwise, the paper will be crappy because I won’t know what I’m saying.

My ear still hurts, which I guess is normal for an ear that “doesn’t look normal”. I wish my doctor would be more specific about what my ear looks like. Saying that it doesn’t look normal doesn’t give me any answers. He did say it looks red and swollen inside, but that’s it. He marked on the superbill thing that I had an middle and outer ear infection, but he never said that to me. Maybe he doesn’t know what’s wrong. I mean, that’s a bit obvious with him wanting me to go to see the ENT.

I added a page under “About Me” for my mental health issues. It lists when I was diagnosed with what and what drugs I’ve been on. It also lists information on each diagnosis, though I couldn’t really explain the bipolar and obsessive compulsive tendencies, since those aren’t really talked about on sites about mental health.

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Well, I’ve had 2 final exams in the past two days, neither was expected. First was my Biology lab exam yesterday afternoon, which was scheduled for NEXT week on my lab schedule. Apparently, it was bumped up when I missed the class because of my ear. I think I may have flunked that test. The second test was this morning in Biology. It was supposed to be take-home, but she let us do it in class. We worked in groups, and each group did 11 questions (out of 33). We all got it done before classtime was over, but the teacher had already left, so one of the students (who’d basically been appointed by the teacher) took the tests to the teacher.

Technically, I have 2 exams next week, and I definitely have 2 the next week. In Camping, we’re supposed to put up tents as part of our exam. Then, in World Literature, I may not have to take the exam because I’ve got an A in the class. That would be a relief. The only two exams that are set in stone are my Social Work and Health exams, which I think I’ll do well on.

Oh, because of the exam in Biology this morning, we didn’t have to do the presentations, so I didn’t tell the class that I’m Bipolar, and didn’t give them the chance to think I’m an insane freak. I guess that that’s a good thing, since I was a bit afraid of how people might react. Still, I was kind of looking forward to “getting it off of my chest”.

We have to write journal entries for Social Work, and lately mine have been rather crappy. I don’t always remember to write things down, so I forget about what happened. Well, I didn’t have that problem with the Tuesday class. I wrote down that the professor came and talked about mental health stuff, and then I wrote about part of my experience in the hospital. I knew that it would be okay to bring it up because it did relate to the class and what happened in it. I also knew that my teacher (who “grades” our journals) wouldn’t be judgmental about my being in the hospital, especially when she could hear about a case worker/therapist acting improperly. I initially wrote about the other thing that happened in the hospital, but I decided that was still too personal, so I ripped out the entire entry and rewrote it.

Those of you who wanted me to go to see my doctor two weeks ago after my ear started bleeding will be happy to know that, because of the new blood in the ear problem, I will be going to the doctor at 5:00 this afternoon. I need to get it checked and try to get new antibiotics. I also need to get my other ear checked because it has been hurting, too.

Edited: My doctor said that my ear didn’t look “normal”. He said it wasn’t bleeding, but that there was dried blood in there. (If there’s dried blood, then that means it must be bleeding sometimes, doesn’t it?) He’s referring me to an ear doctor that I’ve seen before.

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I found out how I did on a paper in English that I turned in a month or two ago. I got a 90 on it, which was shocking, since I’d done the last page in ink instead of typing it and since I’d gotten some not-so-encouraging remarks on my rough draft. So, of course, I’ll be wondering how I got the 90. I had to turn in another paper today. I think I did a bit better with this one, but I still don’t expect high marks. I also found out that the two tests that I’ve taken in that class received 100 points a piece. Yay. I guess she likes how I interpret things.

My ear, which had stopped bleeding and oozing pus, started again yesterday at about the same time that it started hurting pretty badly again. It didn’t bleed/ooze too much, but it was enough to worry me. It hasn’t hurt as much today thanks to the help of the lovely Tylenol that I’m taking regularly. I don’t think it has bled either.

Today, in Social Work, a group was supposed to do a presentation about Social Work and Mental Health Services. Instead of doing the presentation themselves, they had a professor from the graduate program do the presentation, since he’d worked in the field. As he presented, he said something about there being problems of not only physical abuse, but of emotional abuse in mental health settings, especially hospitals, and how this abuse is just as illegal as physical abuse. That got my mind to thinking about my being in the hospital back in May 2001. I started thinking about the therapist who had given me a hard time and called me names like “drama queen” because I was a Borderline. I decided, when it came time for questions, to ask if this qualified. (I didn’t say what was said or who it was said to when I asked the question.) He and my Social Work teacher both said it definitely qualified. Then, under my breath, I said, “That’s what happened to me.” I don’t know if anyone heard me. I knew that what that therapist had said was wrong, so the fact that they said it was unethical wasn’t a big shock. I just didn’t realize that what he’d said was illegal.

Because of my thinking of this situation, I started thinking about another situation that I consider just as abusive, if not moreso that occured while I was in the hospital. I know that I’m open and talk about my problems freely on here, but as I’ve said in the past, there are some things that I do not discuss on here. This other situation is one of those things. It isn’t some weird thought I had or something that I did that was wrong. It was something that was done to me. It is something that I’ve only told in detail to my mother and 1 therapist (the one who “abandoned” me). It is part of the reason that I don’t like the thought of hospitalization for myself because I’m afraid it will happen again. I did discuss it briefly in Tales from the Psych Ward.

The discussions in the class also made me think of how many times I’d been in a school counselor’s version of group therapy. According to my Social Work teacher, school counselors have no training and no authority to give out psychological counseling, and can do more harm than good. I was in counselor-run therapy from 2nd until 5th grade. It started out as an individual thing and led to being a group–called “friendship group”. It would include people I was friends with and people that I absolutely couldn’t stand. I was convinced that one girl in the 5th grade group was going to kill me or at least put me in a coma. Then, in 7th or 8th grade, I was put in a special group run by a counselor (an LPC–so he had the qualifications) who came to the school. I don’t remember that much about that group. Most of what we covered was about not doing drugs or drinking or having sex. Apparently, I was in a high risk group, probably because I missed a lot of school.

Oh, Thursday, I’m supposed to do my presentation in Biology on my paper. Usually my teacher likes us to bring in things like posters to show for our presentations. My special exhibit will be me. I’m going to do my presentation from the perspective of being the patient. I’m really nervous about it, even moreso than I normally get before a presentation because this time I’m going to have to tell these people something about me. It kind makes me feel like I’ll be making myself more vulnerable, which is a scary thing to feel.

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I finally wrote a paper that was longer than what my teacher had asked for. Of course, this time it wasn’t for English. It’s for Biology. And this time it wasn’t for a grade. It’s extra credit, which I think I need. We were told to write a paper on a disease, so I picked bipolar. Technically, its a disorder, but I’m hoping that won’t matter. The paper is about 7 pages long, and is mainly me quoting and crediting several sources, including the NIMH and the Mayo Clinic. I hope I get my 25 points. Actually, I hope she gives even more points, which is what she did with the play.

I wonder if I’ll be receiving any mail from Disability this week. I haven’t gotten anything since Monday. When you’re getting things everyday for a few days, it seems a bit strange when you finally don’t get anything. I know that there has to be more stuff to fill out. I hope my last form got to the office. They didn’t send an envelope for me to send it back in, and the office that they send it from is different from the one you send it back to…so I sent it back to the one it came from and hoped it would get to the right person.

Speaking of the forms, I had to answer a question about how long I could remember things that I had read from books and things. I said 30 minutes, and then I began to panic that 30 minutes might be too long and they might think I had no problems if I said 30 minutes. It wasn’t until I was telling my mom about this fear that I realized that 30 minutes isn’t very long at all. Admittedly I do remember some things longer than 30 minutes, but usually the details get very fuzzy within minutes of my reading something. It all depends on how my brain is working on a particular day. This is part of the problem I have with school. Of course, they’ll probably wonder how I could get a 3.8 if my memory is so bad. Honestly, I don’t know how. I think its some kind of brain fluke.

My ear doesn’t hurt as much as it did right when my eardrum ruptured, but it still hurts quite a bit. I spent all of yesterday without a cotton ball in it, and it (along with my head in general) hurt much worse after that, so today I’m back to having the cotton ball in it.

I’ve actually gotten to see the first two parts of Revelations. I saw the first one last Sunday during what was supposed to be Crossing Jordan’s timeslot, and I saw the second last night on Bravo. Apparently, Bravo will be rerunning the episodes on Saturday nights, so I’ll get to see them regularly.

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On The Lounge, there is a thread about being straight edge. Apparently, you’re straight edge if you don’t drink, don’t smoke, and don’t do drugs. Well, that describes me, but I don’t know that I would call myself straight edge. I’m just an asthmatic who too easily became addicted to taking Tylenol (yes, I am being serious) and doesn’t want to tempt the fates by experimenting with those substances. I don’t think of myself as a particular type of person, in terms of being straight edge. And I don’t think straight edge is a good term for a person who has had issues with self-injury.

I can’t believe I only have like 8 class days left until exams. Actually, I don’t really even have that many days in some classes. So far, Biology, Biology Lab, Camping, and World Lit are having their exams before exam week. I don’t think Health and Social Work will change when the exams are, though.

I finally got the Q&A page to work. I had to change the database it was in so that it didn’t upset the WP settings. So now it works with WP and you can go ask me questions, so please go ask me questions…but not mean or hateful ones. Those will be deleted.

I’ve installed a plugboard, which I encourage you to use. That’s what its there for. Just don’t use it if you’re going to promote something which is pornographic, hate/racist, illegal, etc. Oh, and your button needs to be 88×31.

Oh, and I don’t think my psychosis had anything to do with missing any Geodon. I got my doses screwed up last Thursday/Friday, and have had all my regular doses since 10:30 on Friday night. I don’t think that would have affected me on Wednesday night.

Edited: I just found the following in my guestbook:

I think you are a fucking dumb ass and i know you and your famiy. You need to be put in a crazy home. I am sending copies of this to your mother. She may want to see how crazy you are. I know doctors that may help. Go visit your family in the hospital instead of writing this crap on the computer.

I kind of think that is the funniest piece of trash I’ve seen in a long time. The person (who left no real name or e-mail address) claims to be from Albertville. I don’t think I know anyone in Albertville, other than family members (who know about my mom’s problems and could probably jump to the conclusion that I inherited those problems). Even if I did know other people in Albertville, telling my mom about what I post on here wouldn’t matter. I tell my mom about everything I post on this website that has to do with my psych problems, and about a good deal of the things that don’t relate to my psych problems. She knows about my problems. She actually knows about more of my problems than anyone online does because there are still some things that I don’t feel comfortable disclosing on the internet. My mother is usually the first person I tell about anything. As for me being put in a “crazy home”…as “crazy” as I may be, I don’t belong in an institution. I’m not a threat to myself or other people.

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Maybe slightly being off schedule with my Geodon didn’t do a thing the other night. (I’m back on schedule, btw.) Maybe its just a sign that my problems are still there. Not that there was any doubt about that. It’s just that when you go a few days without seeing or hearing things, you think, “Maybe I’m getting better.” Maybe I shouldn’t make assumptions like that.

Yesterday, it started with my seeing a demon on a girl’s tie-dye shirt. Later, I came to the conclusion that there are people in the walls of my dorm building. I can’t see them, but I know they’re there. I also decided that there are probably cameras that I can’t see that are watching me. It’s no longer just the one that I think is in the smoke detector in my room up there. Then, last night, after coming to these rational conclusions, I started crying like crazy and feeling like everything was getting worse and like I was dying. So, I tried going to bed, but I started clawing at my skin. I didn’t do any damage, though. I started doing it again during my Social Work class. I don’t think anyone noticed.

I know I thought about more weird things last night, but I don’t remember them. I called my mom and told her about the people in the walls and the cameras, and then I know I said other things. I remember promising that I had taken my medicine, but that’s about it.

You know what’s difficult? Realizing that your thoughts are absolutely crazy and unfounded, yet still believing them. I know that what I thought yesterday was ludicrous and probably untrue, yet I still believed it. I still believe that when I’m outside that people are watching me, and that sometimes people follow me. I still see, hear, and feel things, and I believe that they’re there even when I know they’re not. Someone told me that this wasn’t unusual for Bipolars, but that’s what some people said about Borderlines and when I brought it up around them, they all seemed to shun me and point me towards the Schizophrenics.

Oh, I made a new theme Float On A Cloud. It’s quite simple. I should probably start making more complex ones, but I’m sticking with simple for now. And I’m looking for affiliates, link exchanges, and sibling sites.

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Well, I think the bleeding in my ear has slowed down a bit, not that it was gushing before. It only seems to bleed/ooze when it gets irritated or right after I have major pains in my ear. I guess that’s a good thing. I’ll go to the doctor if its still bleeding or hurting when I finish my round of antibiotics. There’s not really anything he can do, though, except maybe give me more antibiotics.

I was rubbing at my ear during Health today, and my teacher noticed. She asked (in the middle of class) if I had an ear infection, and I told her (and the rest of the class) that my eardrum had ruptured because of an ear infection. She offered to lower her voice, she thought that maybe she was talking too loud. She wasn’t talking too loud, so I told her that she was fine. If she had started talking any lower, I wouldn’t have been able to hear her at all.

I found out today that I got an A on my presentation in Camping. Of course, everyone got A’s on their presentation, so it doesn’t mean that I did better than anyone. It just means that my teacher seems to like giving A’s. That doesn’t really bother me.

Tomorrow I have to perform in a play for Biology. I dread it. I have 1 line, and its really simple, but I don’t like the thought of having to do a play in front of everyone. I also don’t like that I have to trudge up the Hill and spend a few hours watching other groups’ plays. What I like the least, though, is that all this play stuff means I have to stay on campus until 6 tomorrow night. I like being able to come home as soon as my World Lit class is over. Home is my safe zone, and the longer I’m away, the more anxious I get.

I have another update on the Disability thing. I sent my paperwork off this morning, and guess what comes in the mail this afternoon? A form about my daily activities. This should be fun. Oooh, it asks about my sleep. I guess where it asks do I need to take anything to sleep, I can definitely mark yes, since it seems to require 80mg of Geodon to keep me asleep all night. (I no longer take Geodon in the morning, my psychiatrist told my mom that if its making me fall asleep during class that I should just double the dose at night.)

I wonder if the form has a field for psychotic breaks. I had very little Geodon on Thursday and then none until Friday night, and I started feeling really weird. I felt like bugs were crawling up my back. I thought that my dogs were trying to hurt me. I couldn’t stand to be touched at all, even worse than usual. I turned towards the back of our couch and just cried. I felt like I was spinning out of control. I guess I had felt a bit better lately, but it all felt like it came apart on Friday night.

I thought that I had an appointment this afternoon at the Mental Health Center to set up special assistance on getting my Geodon and Lamictal, but when I got there, they said it was Wednesday at 3. I couldn’t come on Wednesday, so I had to change it to April 29. As I got out to the car, I remembered that I was holding some paperwork my mom needed me to turn in for her file, so I went back in and asked for the person that the paperwork needed to go to. They asked if it was for me (before looking at the paper) and I said it was for my mom, not for me. The person was like, “It’s from your mom about you?” And I said, “No, its for my mom.” She still didn’t get it, and I again said, “It’s for my mom.” Then, she said, “It’s for your mom?” and started to hand it back to me, so I had to say, “It’s for my mom’s file.” Finally she got it. I thought I was speaking clearly, but apparently, she didn’t get it. I left a bit annoyed.

I fixed the IE sidebar issue on the Butterfly theme, and I decided to make the Sarah Jessica Parker (I Enjoy Being A Girl) theme the default theme. I still need to make more themes. I’ve got a lot of ideas for ones, and I should probably do them before my creative energy in my brain is drained. Oh, and I tried bringing my questions page over from before, but it wasn’t working, so I’ve set up a new page that seems to be WP compatible here. It will be more interactive, since I’ll be able to answer questions and if you want more explanation, you can ask.

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