Soul Suckage

I did 5 hours of volunteer work today at The Ark. I can’t believe I only have 5 more hours to go before I meet my 50 hour requirement. I don’t know how often I’ll go after I finish my 5 hours, but I doubt that I will go as often as I have been going.

I have to go to the school library tomorrow at 4:30 to work on a group assignment that is due on Tuesday. I was annoyed with everyone when they picked Sunday to do it. I’d wanted to wait until Monday, but they wanted to go tomorrow because they just didn’t like the idea of doing anything on a Monday. I didn’t figure my vote would count for much. I was the last person picked for the group, so its not like I was really wanted in the first place.

I really don’t want to go to the library. I said in an answer on my Q&A page that I’m afraid of libraries, but its a little more complex than that. When I go to libraries, I feel like I’m being drained of my mind and of my soul. I just feel really strange when I’m there. They don’t have many people in them, which makes me nervous. (If they’re full of people, I also get nervous.) Then, they’re usually really big and open, and that makes me feel all soul-sucky scared, too. I also get scared when I’m at a library because usually my mom has taken me and dropped me off. (She’s really afraid of libraries, so she doesn’t stick around them for very long at a time.) If my dad takes me, sometimes he’ll hang around the library, but he’ll never be near where I am, so part of me gets panicky and worries that he’s left me.

Oh, that reminds me. My mom works with someone who thinks that I shouldn’t be at A&M. Why? Because I’m white and A&M is (according to her) a school for blacks and blacks alone. Most people at A&M don’t say anything negative to me about my being there, but I remember one of my first days of class last semester there was a guy who was talking about preserving A&M as a black school and keeping “others” out of it. He was talking to someone in the class, but he said it loud enough to make me feel uncomfortable. I can’t say that people like that make me understand what its like to be black in this country, but they do make me understand what its like to be a minority and to not really be wanted because I’m a minority. I guess being at A&M really has taught me some important things, hasn’t it?

I think I get to stay home on Monday night, which is a good thing. My mom asked me if I want to. I think it may have to do with my pounding my knuckles on the floor this past week, though it may be that she’s worried about my reaction to whatever Beth says on Monday at therapy. It may also have to do with the fact that she would have to drive me back up to A&M from the Mental Health Center after we were done there. Or it could be a combination of things. I could probably ask her, but I’m not sure that I want to know the answer.

Plugs: Abby, Albert Leyva, Alexis, Ally, Chelsea, Deb, Jenny, Jo, Krista, Manila, Pia

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Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.

6 thoughts on “Soul Suckage”

  1. I kind of understand what you are talking about with libraries. I am kind of that way with theme parks. Like Disney World… etc. They make me feel really weird. It is hard to explain.

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