The Edge of Reason

I had a bad night last night. It’s amazing that at about 9:00-10:00 at night, I just get really bad. I think it has to do with my Klonopin wearing off at that time because when I take it at school, I take .5 mg at 3:30 and then .5 again at about 5:00. So, it wears off, and by 10, I’m not only depressed, I’m extremely anxious. I start crying and wanting to be at home.

At one point, when I thought about hurting/killing myself, I was actually okay with it. Most of the time, I’m too afraid to die or I’ll think that it will upset someone, but last night I thought about it and I was okay with it. And when I was finally able to calm down a little, I realized how lucky I was that I didn’t have razor blades or lots of pills with me.

Last night was probably worse because my roommate never came to the room last night. I guess she’s out of town or something. She’d mentioned something about she might see her grandmother for her grandmother’s birthday, but I didn’t know when that would be. She may have just been at a friend’s place, though.

Even if she had been in the dorm, I couldn’t have talked to her. I don’t talk to her about my problems. And I can’t really say that I feel like crap and not go into why. I need someone I can talk to about this stuff when I’m up there, but I don’t have anyone like that up there. So, I have to call home, which is rather difficult when I barely get 1 bar in my room. At some moments, I’ll get 2, but soon after that, I’ll completely lose service. šŸ™

Oh, yesterday at lunch and dinner, I didn’t eat as much as I normally do when I’m in the cafeteria. I got down about 1/2 of what I normally eat, and even that was too much. My mom said that may be a sign that I’m about to start losing more weight. I hope so. So far I’ve lost like 112 pounds, but I still need to lose about 90 pounds. Maybe I’ll be able to lose that.

I didn’t start losing the weight fast enough for my knees, though. When I walk up the stairs from the Science building to Bibb-Graves (where my Social Work class is), my knees creak and crack the entire time. It’s quite disgusting. I knew that they could get worse (I was diagnosed with chondromalacia when I was 14), but I didn’t realize that they were going to get bad that fast. Of course, I guess 7 years isn’t that fast, especially when I weighed so much for quite a while. That had to do more damage to my knees and other joints.

My mom is at work, but not as a substitute for the Extended Day Program. On Friday, she got “promoted”. The Kindergarten Extended Day teacher quit and my mom asked for her job. She was interviewed and it was determined that she could have the job, so she has a permanent job now, too. I just hope that working with Extended Day doesn’t pay too much. I know that sounds weird, especially when we’re having money troubles, but if it pays too much, then she loses her disability and her Medicare. I don’t think it will pay too much, though. It didn’t when she worked for the same program back in 2001 & 2002. I doubt with the lack of funds for Alabama schools that they’ve upped the pay for ED teachers.

I wanted to call my mom yesterday afternoon during the storms, but I thought she’d be busy working. I had forgotten it was President’s Day because A&M had classes yesterday. I don’t think I’ve ever had class on President’s Day before. I was a bit annoyed that on a major holiday, we had to go to class. Blah.

I’m glad my last post wasn’t seen as begging. I understand that many of you don’t have the money to donate, and I understand that. šŸ™‚

Oh, go wish Aurora a happy birthday. She turned 21 yesterday. I would’ve pointed you in her direction yesterday, but I was at school. She’s a former hostee and a sweetheart, so just go give her some love. šŸ™‚

Plugs: Angela, Alx, Anwamian, Brittany, Gill, Jem, Jen, Jen, Jo, LiYan, Manila, Marie, Michelle, Nat Marie, Nez, Normies

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Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.

15 thoughts on “The Edge of Reason”

  1. Hi, I found you at Blogxchng…I have alot of experience with mental health stuff..for myself and my son. I don’t blog about any mental health things but if you ever need someone to talk to via email…you can email me anytime…:)

  2. When you get anxious do you get a weird crashy feeling in your stomach… it’s such a strange feeling that is so uncomftorble and I’m not always able to cry it out. I hate feeling anxious. You’d think depression could be the worst mood or feeling, but so many feel so awful too.

    Isn’t your mommy’s birthday, today? Seee, everyone and their mama having a birthday lol… Thank you so much for the email, the little pixie is so cute.

  3. Like Jennifer mentioned, Medicare and Disability are so quick to drop people. And there’s so little they take into consideration before accepting you or dropping you. That’s the government right?

  4. Not caring about things like that is a scary feeling. I love reading your blog because I can really relate to some of what you go through.

    I don’t think you were begging at all (in your previous entry). At least you offer things in return instead of just asking for money.

  5. Thank God you didn’t have anything near you that you could have hurt yourself with. There are times when I’ve gotten so upset that I want to kill myself… but I’m way too afraid too…. plus I just know it’s out of anger. Of course, your situation is completey 100% different from mine. I’m just glad you’re ok. I just pray that God will protect you and not let anything bad happen to you.

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