I had a bad night last night. It’s amazing that at about 9:00-10:00 at night, I just get really bad. I think it has to do with my Klonopin wearing off at that time because when I take it at school, I take .5 mg at 3:30 and then .5 again at about 5:00. So, it wears off, and by 10, I’m not only depressed, I’m extremely anxious. I start crying and wanting to be at home.
At one point, when I thought about hurting/killing myself, I was actually okay with it. Most of the time, I’m too afraid to die or I’ll think that it will upset someone, but last night I thought about it and I was okay with it. And when I was finally able to calm down a little, I realized how lucky I was that I didn’t have razor blades or lots of pills with me.
Last night was probably worse because my roommate never came to the room last night. I guess she’s out of town or something. She’d mentioned something about she might see her grandmother for her grandmother’s birthday, but I didn’t know when that would be. She may have just been at a friend’s place, though.
Even if she had been in the dorm, I couldn’t have talked to her. I don’t talk to her about my problems. And I can’t really say that I feel like crap and not go into why. I need someone I can talk to about this stuff when I’m up there, but I don’t have anyone like that up there. So, I have to call home, which is rather difficult when I barely get 1 bar in my room. At some moments, I’ll get 2, but soon after that, I’ll completely lose service. 🙁
Oh, yesterday at lunch and dinner, I didn’t eat as much as I normally do when I’m in the cafeteria. I got down about 1/2 of what I normally eat, and even that was too much. My mom said that may be a sign that I’m about to start losing more weight. I hope so. So far I’ve lost like 112 pounds, but I still need to lose about 90 pounds. Maybe I’ll be able to lose that.
I didn’t start losing the weight fast enough for my knees, though. When I walk up the stairs from the Science building to Bibb-Graves (where my Social Work class is), my knees creak and crack the entire time. It’s quite disgusting. I knew that they could get worse (I was diagnosed with chondromalacia when I was 14), but I didn’t realize that they were going to get bad that fast. Of course, I guess 7 years isn’t that fast, especially when I weighed so much for quite a while. That had to do more damage to my knees and other joints.
My mom is at work, but not as a substitute for the Extended Day Program. On Friday, she got “promoted”. The Kindergarten Extended Day teacher quit and my mom asked for her job. She was interviewed and it was determined that she could have the job, so she has a permanent job now, too. I just hope that working with Extended Day doesn’t pay too much. I know that sounds weird, especially when we’re having money troubles, but if it pays too much, then she loses her disability and her Medicare. I don’t think it will pay too much, though. It didn’t when she worked for the same program back in 2001 & 2002. I doubt with the lack of funds for Alabama schools that they’ve upped the pay for ED teachers.
I wanted to call my mom yesterday afternoon during the storms, but I thought she’d be busy working. I had forgotten it was President’s Day because A&M had classes yesterday. I don’t think I’ve ever had class on President’s Day before. I was a bit annoyed that on a major holiday, we had to go to class. Blah.
I’m glad my last post wasn’t seen as begging. I understand that many of you don’t have the money to donate, and I understand that. 🙂
Oh, go wish Aurora a happy birthday. She turned 21 yesterday. I would’ve pointed you in her direction yesterday, but I was at school. She’s a former hostee and a sweetheart, so just go give her some love. 🙂