Hard Stick

Yay. The server my site is on appears to be working properly again. I was a bit worried since the other night I couldn’t upload new files to my site. I guess whatever was wrong got fixed, which is a good thing.

I also have another thing to be a bit happy about. On Thursday, I don’t have to go to Biology class. No Biology on my birthday is a good thing. Add to that that I don’t have to do lab tomorrow, and I should be dancing around singing and having loads of fun.

My roommate is doing her teaching practicum, which is different from student teaching. She’ll be gone for quite a while tomorrow afternoon, so I guess I’ll watch Quills then. I’m afraid it might be offensive to her. Actually, I’m a little afraid to watch it at the dorm at all. They have some strict rules, and I’m afraid that they might see it as pornographic.

Last night, Bianca (a person from A&M that I don’t know) asked me to eat dinner with her, so I did. While we were eating, she mentioned that I don’t seem to like to talk very much. I told her that I was shy. She said that I didn’t seem friendly because I was so “dry” with how I talked. Apparently, I need to open up and be more friendly. I just smiled and nodded. This was one of the few times anyone offline has ever said I’m not friendly. Usually people tell me how I’m too nice. I guess I wasn’t giving off friendly vibes last night, though. Well, when I got back up to my room, I started thinking about it. How am I supposed to be nice? Without my problems, I’m shy. Add in that I’m socially phobic and paranoid, and I’m not exactly going to be Miss Bright and Bubbley 2005.

Yesterday, I was down to an 8 on the 1 to 10 (10 being most severe) scale for depression. I was feeling “good”, and then I hit a 10. Now, the highest I had gotten before last night was a 9.5, but I’m fairly certain that I hit a 10 last night. I tried to call my mom and her phone went straight to voice mail. I could’ve called the home number, but I was afraid I’d wake her up. I considered calling for help to get to the hospital. I was really close to going and asking to be admitted right then and there. I just didn’t feel safe. I never really feel safe, especially by myself, but last night I felt extremely bad. I was actually sitting on my bed crying, which was kind of amazing since I haven’t really been able to cry except for those times that I’ve cried in counseling. Somehow whatever has been keeping me from crying didn’t keep me from breaking down last night. What was weird was that I was sitting there bawling my eyes out and my roommate walks in and she didn’t notice a thing. I didn’t really want her to say anything to me, but I thought she would notice.

When I got out of literature this morning, my mom kind of fussed on me for not calling the home number and waking her up. So, I guess I’ve learned my lesson. If I hit a 10 again, or even am at a lower number and I just can’t deal with, then I’ll call my mom or someone until I get an answer. If that means waking my mom up, then I’ll just have to not make myself feel guilty about that.

My mom wrote a letter to Beth about how she thinks I should be in Comprehensive Care. She let me read it, and I was okay with what she said. She told Beth that I’m paranoid and delusional and that I have hallucinations. She also told Beth that I was like this during my intake appointment, but that I was so afraid that I would be committed that I wasn’t completely upfront about all of my problems. I did try to tell the intake therapist that I saw things (I’d had my first visual hallucination a few weeks before the intake appointment) and she didn’t hear me or didn’t make any note of it. I didn’t really talk about the other stuff yet because I truly was afraid of being hospitalized. My previous psychiatrist would have put me in the hospital if he had known half of what I talk about in here. If I even mentioned that I had the urge to hurt myself, he would’ve wanted me back in the hospital. My mom also mentioned that she’s in Comprehensive Care and I think she mentioned what meds she has to take for the same symptoms I’m exhibiting. On the way home, my mom dropped the letter off. She said she didn’t know if it would help or hurt or make any difference. I hope it helps, but I’m so afraid that anything that anyone says or does to try to convince Beth that I need Comprehensive Care will just push her further away from letting me go to Comprehensive Care.

When I referred to having surgery in the last entry, I was talking about the Gastric Bypass Surgery that I had back in July of 2003. I’m not supposed to have sugar now because eating sugar can lead to “dumping syndrome”, which isn’t pleasant. I used to not have any reaction to sugar, but now almost any time I eat it, I start feeling really sick. I think it has to do with since where the intestine and stomach meet is moved closer, so the sugar isn’t really digested in the stomach, so pure sugar goes into the intestine, which makes a person sick. People who don’t have the surgery can have this problem, too. When you eat too much sugar at a time can have pure sugar go into the intestine and make them all sick.

I saw my best friend today. Well, I guess you’d call Jaime my best friend. She and Amanda are the only people offline that I really “talk” to anymore (except conversations I have with people at school), and I hadn’t seen her in a few years. She asked how I was, and I figured it was in the “polite way”, so I told her that I was fine. I hate when people ask, but aren’t really asking. I hadn’t seen or spoken to her in so long that I didn’t figure that I should go right into the whole mental illness thing. The last time that we were really close and talking a lot, I was going through my stuff (at 16-17) that got me hospitalized.

Oh, and I didn’t get my B12 or Potassium checked yesterday. All they were checking was Hematocrit and Ferratin. I guess I only get the others checked when I’m doing my yearly profile for the surgeon. Of course, if my family doctor knew how rundown I’ve been (regardless of the depression), he would’ve probably ordered all kinds of blood tests. Of course, I don’t see him until Friday. The blood draw went okay, but the guy who did it had a little trouble, which was strange. I’m used to having people have trouble hitting my veins (they roll), but this guy has NEVER missed before yesterday. He had to track down the vein, which caused my arm to ache afterwards. He finally did get it, though. I’ve had people give up on getting it before. I’ve also had to have the head of the department come and draw my blood before because no one else could take it. I’m a hard stick.

Go check out BlogXchng. It seems like an interesting concept for a blog exchange.

Oh, Cindy, I’m not an Atheist. I’m just a very liberal Christian. I don’t believe in going to church and I tend to disagree with some of the orthodox practices.

Plugs: Alx, Aurora, Ashley, Babz, Becky, Brittany, Cindy, Gill, Heather, Jen, Jen, Jo, Kristin, Larry, Laura, Marie, Rose, Shasta, WWCC

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Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.

22 thoughts on “Hard Stick”

  1. Reading your journal is like being in college all over again…not to really say I don’t have all the same emotionals just don’t have the same situations currently. I have gotten to the point that I have been taking time off to deal with all my issues.

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