Not Quite Yet

I’ve decided not to go to the hospital quite yet. After I got through my exams, my presentations/projects, etc., things didn’t really get “better”, but I realized that it is the weekend and that I need a chance to relax at home. I need to give myself the opportunity to fix this on my own before I go in the hospital. Admittedly, the main reason I’m staying at home is that I’m afraid to go to the hospital. As much as I know that HH is a lot different from DGW, I still am afraid of the hospital. I’m also afraid that if I go to the hospital, I’ll still end up stuck with my psychiatrist and I won’t get my meds changed because he doesn’t think he should change them. As long as I’m under his care, I don’t think my meds are going to get changed significantly.

Since Tuesday, I’ve thought of ways to phrase my wanting to go into Comprehensive Care. I know that I’ll probably be too nervous to say it exactly “right”, but I’ve still been thinking of how I should go about saying it. I figure if I prepare myself now that I will be able to be more assertive and able to ask for what I need. I was thinking about saying:

Beth, though I’m sure you are an excellent therapist, I think I need more help than you or anyone else in Counseling Services can give me. I’ve talked to my mom and to Jane, and I think it’d be best for me if I went to Comprehensive Care. I don’t feel like I’m receiving the proper medical care on this side and without that, I’m not sure how much good therapy will be.

Doesn’t that sound really good? I mean, it sounds like I’ve looked into what would be best for me. I know I won’t be able to say it exactly like I’ve written it because I always mess up a little bit, but I can at least have somewhat of an idea to say to her. And the worst she can do is say no, right? Of course saying no is a really bad thing in this case.

Oh, they put me with Beth because my old therapist, Kathy, went into private practice, so I had to have a therapist to see. Jane can only do crisis appointments, so she couldn’t be my therapist. She can only see me when Beth, my psychiatrist or the nurse can’t see me. I wish she could be my therapist because I feel safer talking to her. She’s just a lot more relaxing than anyone else I’ve seen at the Mental Health Center. Of course, that may be because she’s a crisis counselor, so she’s trained to deal with people who need to be calmed/reassured.

Jen, I don’t mind that my blog entries are like a case study for you. I can understand how they would be informative and help you to learn more, and I’m glad that something good can come out of my entries. If they prepare you for experiences you may encounter as a Social Worker, then I’m glad I could help. I don’t really mind being the person people learn things from.

I found out how I did on my test and my article critique that I turned in Tuesday in Social Work. I got a 90 on the test and an A on the critique. I was quite proud of the results, but I still had an experience with the “invisible man” after class and felt like I was being followed for quite a while. Of course, my mom told me that that could have just been from the residual stress that my Biology presentation had put me through.

A guy who is in both my Social Work and Biology classes told me that during my Biology presentation, I started out looking really bad, clenching and unclenching my fists, and just looking really uncomfortable. He said that by the end of it, I looked a bit more relaxed and that he was less worried about me at the end. I knew that I felt stressed going up in front of the class to present, even though I was in a group. I’m surprised I was able to contribute anything between my cold and my not remembering to work on the project. Luckily, I know a little about what iron-deficiency anemia is like, so I was able to talk about that.

I would’ve known more about what to say if I hadn’t fallen asleep yesterday afternoon in my dorm room while I was waiting between my morning classes and my lab class that afternoon. I decided to rest a little while on my bed, and I kept thinking about banging my wrists, so I just closed my eyes and fell asleep. I woke up to the sound of an alarm telling me it was time to head to lab.

The missionaries from my mom’s church (LDS) came by a few minutes ago. They’re new ones, so they wanted to meet us. They’ll be coming back tomorrow to talk to us some more. I’m a little nervous about that. Usually whenever we get new missionaries, they try to bring me into the Church, and, though I like the people who go to my mom’s church and I find it to be an interesting church, I don’t feel like joining her church or any other church at this point in time. I have to establish this with each new set of missionaries. I’d like it if they put some kind of Post-It note or big notice that said I’m not going to join the Church.

You know, I was surfing around the internet the other night looking for information on psychotic depression, since that’s what Beth said I have. There’s not much out there. I also noticed that there’s not much out there on wrist-banging either. I even looked on secret shame, which is pretty informative when it comes to self-injury, and it doesn’t really say anything (that I could find) about wrist-banging. I knew it wasn’t “mainstream” (unlike cutting or even burning), but I was sure that there would be something about it on there by now.

Plugs: Aldo, Ally, Chelsea, Doreen, Jen, Jen, Jess, Jessica, Jo, JR, Kristin, Larry, Manila, Marie, Marilyn, Mindy, Mollydog, Robbie, Shaina, Shasta, Valerie

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Janet Morris

I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. I've got as many college credits as a doctorate candidate, and the GPA of some of them, too. I have a boss by the name of Amy Pond. She's a dachshund. My parents both grew up in Alabama.

14 thoughts on “Not Quite Yet”

  1. I think what you’re going to tell Beth is polite, informative but not too informative and suitable overall. Good luck.

    That was nice of that guy to encourage you like that by telling you that you seemed to be improving. The kindness of strangers is nice to hear about πŸ™‚

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