I did 11 hours of volunteer work at The Ark this week. I’m trying to get as much stuff done this week as I can, since it is possible that I may go into the hospital at the end of next week if things continue the way things have been going. I couldn’t go this week because I’ve got tests and things coming up in classes. Some of my teachers aren’t exactly keen on letting people make up anything and there is a fairly strict attendance policy at A&M. So, I’m trying to get everything done before next Thursday, so if I do have to go to the hospital, then I won’t be really far behind. As long as I only have to stay a week or less, then my plan of getting everything done ahead of time should be okay. Any longer than that and I’m a bit screwed.
Even as bad as things have gotten, its kind of amazing that I’m even considering going to the hospital. I mean, after the traumas of DGW when I was 17, I thought that I would be able to stick out anything if it meant never having to go back to a psych hospital. Of course, where I’d be going isn’t a psych hospital (which DGW was)…its a psych unit and I’m pretty familiar with the policies there. I won’t be completely restricted from seeing and talking to my family, like with DGW. Instead, I’d get to see them every night and I think I could call them if I needed to. I wouldn’t be forced to use lice treatment (even though I didn’t have lice) on all the hair on my body and then use it again when I didn’t use the entire bottle. I doubt that the therapists/nurses there would call me a “drama queen” for my problems. They seem to be nicer. Basically, where I’d be going would be a lot better than DGW.
If I go to the hospital, I may get to get a new psychiatrist, though. If mine isn’t on call, then I could end up with someone else, and I could probably ask to be switched to the other person.
Several of you suggested that I complain to my psychiatrist about how I feel about the way he treats me, and I would if it weren’t for a few things:
- If I told him how I felt in the same way that I describe how I feel in here, then he’d probably just pass it off as a Borderline ranting. We’re supposed to be drama queens so its “to be expected” that we won’t be happy.
- He probably wouldn’t care even if I weren’t a Borderline.
- As outspoken as I tend to be online, I have some troubles offline expressing myself. My sentences and thoughts get jumbled and I get nervous, so its very difficult for me to “confront” someone. Now, if we’re debating an issue in a class, I can usually speak up, but when it comes to expressing something about myself, everything gets all messed up.
Aurora, Risperdal is an anti-psychotic. So far, the upped dose doesn’t seem to be doing anything except making me a little drowsy for about an hour. After that, I’m back to my previously nasty feelings and sometimes seeing things or thinking I’m seeing things.
Chelsea, I’m kind of looking forward to my 21st birthday. I’m mainly looking forward to seeing what cards and stuff I get. I’m not really keen on getting older. I know most people get excited when they’re about to turn 21, but I’m just not in the mood to get really happy over the fact that I’ve made it through another year.