So many people have suggested that I come out of my shell, in terms of getting over my paranoia. That would be a lovely thing to do, but, at this point in my life, its pretty difficult. It takes all that I have in me to go to classes and be around people. I know that’s strange, especially for a Social Work major, but that’s where my mind is at this point in my life. Maybe it’ll get better. I hope it will, but right now I’m just trying to figure out how to function with my mind acting the way it is.
I went to 2 LJ communities looking for help – one for Schizophrenic disorders and one for Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed as a Borderline when I was 17, but my problems lately have seemed more Schizophrenic than Borderline. The Schizophrenics told me that they thought I sounded like a Borderline because apparently Borderlines have severe psychotic symptoms when they’re really stressed. The Borderlines told me that I sounded more psychotic than Borderline. I know, psychotic doesn’t automatically equal Schizophrenia, but I thought they might be the only ones to understand what I’ve been going through. So, now I really don’t know what to think of myself or my problems. Self-diagnosis is dangerous, and so is diagnosis by complete strangers. I just feel this need to know what is wrong and how I can fix it. Of course, I’d need the cooperation of my psychiatrist in the whole treating it aspect.
One person in the Schizophrenic group recommended that I go into the hospital because I mentioned the constant thoughts of slitting my wrists and self-injury. Going in the hospital probably would do me a lot of good, though I’m terrified of psych hospitals after the last time. I can’t go in, though. I can’t afford the bill, and I know it would be really expensive. I also can’t afford it academically right now. I have to stay in school so that I can maintain my GPA and keep my scholarship. If I lose my scholarship, then I can kiss my whole plan of getting any degree goodbye.
I got my 20 hours done. I actually got 21 hours of work done, which is really good since I was only expecting to have 19 this time. Too bad my teacher won’t give extra points for getting extra done. I guess that’s just one less hour I’ll have to get in before next month’s deadline for the next 20 hours.