I just added a new skin. It features screen captures from the Buffy episode “Normal Again”, which was the episode where Buffy was poisoned by a demon, which caused her to have hallucinations that she was in a mental institution. I really like the episode, and I can kind of relate to it. Of course, making another Buffy skin has caused half of my skins to be Buffy-related. I don’t mind that, but I feel like I’m neglecting some of my other favorite fandoms.

Gretchen is doing well. She’s getting into trouble, which is what puppies do. I feel a little bad for Molly because almost everytime Gretchen gets into trouble, we say Molly instead. We’re just so used to Molly being the one who gets in trouble.

I found out yesterday that I don’t have to renew my domain this year. Apparently, last year in the whole transfer/renewing drama, I ended up getting two years of time instead of one. It doesn’t mean I save any money. It just keeps me from having to go through any renewal drama this year. That’s a big yay.

Jen, when I said that the infirmary was on the boy’s side of campus, I meant that it was on the side with the dorms for the guys. We don’t have segregated classes, just segregated dorms. Oh, and we do have to apply to get into our upper years of Social Work. We have to go through an interview process, and I think she may get kicked out during the process, but then again, if she tells them that her intent is to go into law, then they might just let her through.

ETA: The skin image is supposed to look kind of fragmented. It’s a representation of mental illness and the fragmentation that is felt when you go through that. I thought I’d add that explanation, since at a board some people decided to say it wasn’t blended properly. It isn’t supposed to be done “properly”. It is stylized.

Plugs: Cindy, Donna, Ernesto, Faryal, Gaynor, Jen, Kat, Kayleigh, Kendra, Kristine, Lien, Liza, Manila, Michelle, Vicki

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This is Gretchen. (The picture was from her entry on PetFinder.) We just got her day before yesterday. She’s a 4 month old PBGV mix. She’s so sweet and cute and friendly. At first we were having to keep her in her kennel for long periods of time because Xander wasn’t exactly happy to see her. She’s got tapeworms, but we’ve given her some medicine for that, so hopefully, she’ll get better from that soon. She’s also got a bit of an off-set jaw, but that’s probably because it had been broken (either by being kicked or stepped on when she was younger) and healed kind of funky.

Xander didn’t get along with Gretchen at first, and we think it was because she smelled like a boy and he doesn’t like boy dogs. She smelled like a boy because as we were on our way to the SPCA to pick her up, there was a small dog on the side of the road who had been hit by a car. We picked it up and took it to the SPCA. Since all we had to put him in was her kennel, he made her kennel smell like a boy. We couldn’t scrub it down really well before we put her in it, so by the time we got home, Gretchen smelled like a boy. Yesterday, she, Xander, and Molly got baths, so they all smelled clean. By this morning, Xander had figured out that Gretchen was indeed a girl, so he’s been happy to see her.

I left class on Thursday somewhat happy. Most of my happiness was from knowing that we were going to go pick up Gretchen, but part of my happiness came from finding out that I’m not the only one in my Social Work class that doesn’t really like the girl who said that Andrea Yates should be hanged for her crime. Before class, one of the guys said something about her. Then, during class, the teacher brought up a case of 2 boys who had drawn a violent picture and had been sent to jail because of it. Sending the children to jail was alarming to most of the class, but not to this girl. She figured it was okay because the boys were probably “on their way to being serial killers” and the cops “had to know that these boys were a threat before arresting them”. Talk about jumping to conclusions. She’s also asked the teacher if we really have to be an advocate for all members of a family if we didn’t like the parents. She just wants to be an advocate for the children in a family if the parents have problems. Of course, we kind of found out why. She wants to be a lawyer…obviously a prosecutor because I don’t think she’d last 10 seconds as a defense attorney. One girl in my class described this girl as abrasive. She said that was the only way to describe her. I pointed out after class that abrasive wasn’t the only way to describe this girl…it was just the only NICE way to describe her.

Sam, maybe I don’t want to be “me” anymore. Maybe I would rather not be paranoid or hear voices or see things. I’m sick of feeling like someone is following me when they’re not and questioning if things that are really there are just illusions or not. I don’t want to take a million drugs, but I don’t want to live my life rocking myself back and forth because the things in my head are driving me so crazy. I want to be able to walk into a room and not feel like the whole world is out to get me. I would love to be able to sit back and say, “Well, this is who I am, so this is how I’m supposed to live my life”, but I’m tired of feeling scared and out of my mind. I know I will never feel “normal”. I know that to some degree, even with drugs, I’ll always have these symptoms. I just need some reprieve from them for a while. I’m tired of being “me”.

My mom and I have been talking about my problems more and more…mainly because after being stuck in the dorm room and at school on Monday and Wednesday nights, I need to tell someone what has been going on in my head. She suggested that maybe I should go to the infirmary on campus. They would probably refer me back to the MHC, but they might be able to get me into see a different doctor and they might be able to get me into see someone faster. I may do that. Of course, first, I would have to find the infirmary. I know its towards the boys’ side of campus, but I’m not quite sure where it is.

Oh, I was really surprised the other day when I got home from being on campus. _dona had gotten me The Life of David Gale DVD from my Amazon.com wishlist. At first, I thought maybe it was an early birthday present (since my birthday is in less than 3 weeks) or that I had won something from Amazon.com, but then I opened it and found out who it was from and I was just very happy. I love the movie, so I look forward to watching it.

If you have a LiveJournal and you would like to be a part of a group that grants birthday wishes, then please go join bday_wishes. There was a similar group for Christmas, and it was really popular, so I set this one up for birthdays. You don’t have to buy anyone anything, unless you choose to. You can send e-cards or make icons. It’s not just a “buy me this” group.

Oh, I know the comments don’t show up when you originally comment, but that’s because I have moderation turned on. Please don’t submit your comments multiple times unless you know that something went wrong.

Plugs: Anette, Cami, Chelle, Chelsea, Chloe, Cindy, Jen, Jolene, Kendra, Laur, Lien, Marie, Marilyn, Marina, Mike, Robbie, Sam, Steph

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So many people have suggested that I come out of my shell, in terms of getting over my paranoia. That would be a lovely thing to do, but, at this point in my life, its pretty difficult. It takes all that I have in me to go to classes and be around people. I know that’s strange, especially for a Social Work major, but that’s where my mind is at this point in my life. Maybe it’ll get better. I hope it will, but right now I’m just trying to figure out how to function with my mind acting the way it is.

I went to 2 LJ communities looking for help – one for Schizophrenic disorders and one for Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed as a Borderline when I was 17, but my problems lately have seemed more Schizophrenic than Borderline. The Schizophrenics told me that they thought I sounded like a Borderline because apparently Borderlines have severe psychotic symptoms when they’re really stressed. The Borderlines told me that I sounded more psychotic than Borderline. I know, psychotic doesn’t automatically equal Schizophrenia, but I thought they might be the only ones to understand what I’ve been going through. So, now I really don’t know what to think of myself or my problems. Self-diagnosis is dangerous, and so is diagnosis by complete strangers. I just feel this need to know what is wrong and how I can fix it. Of course, I’d need the cooperation of my psychiatrist in the whole treating it aspect.

One person in the Schizophrenic group recommended that I go into the hospital because I mentioned the constant thoughts of slitting my wrists and self-injury. Going in the hospital probably would do me a lot of good, though I’m terrified of psych hospitals after the last time. I can’t go in, though. I can’t afford the bill, and I know it would be really expensive. I also can’t afford it academically right now. I have to stay in school so that I can maintain my GPA and keep my scholarship. If I lose my scholarship, then I can kiss my whole plan of getting any degree goodbye.

I got my 20 hours done. I actually got 21 hours of work done, which is really good since I was only expecting to have 19 this time. Too bad my teacher won’t give extra points for getting extra done. I guess that’s just one less hour I’ll have to get in before next month’s deadline for the next 20 hours.

Plugs: Anette, Aurora, Chelsea, Clement, Giancarlo, Jen, Jenna, Jenny, Jo, Laur, Marilyn, Rico, Robbie, Trang

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On Wednesday night, I headed to the cafeteria at 4:00 so that I would be at the beginning of the line when it opened at 4:30. Getting there much later means you have to stand near the doors to the outside, which is not fun. Anyways…I was standing there and the guy who was at the very beginning of the line started talking to me. We talked for a little while, and he ended up asking me for my phone number at the dorm, which I didn’t know. So, he asked for my room number, which I gave him. He asked if he could call, and I said okay, but I really suck at phone calls, so he decided that we could just stick to talking if we bumped into each other on campus.

While I was eating dinner, a girl from another table came to me and asked me to join her and her friends at the other table. I joined them, but I felt uncomfortable because I didn’t know them and because I just don’t really like eating with other people. Then, at lunch yesterday, another person came up to me while I was eating and invited me to a Bible study group. She told me that God had told her to come talk to me. If I had said God told me to go talk to someone, people would think I was crazy…of course, I am crazy, so I guess that wouldn’t be a bad assumption.

So, when the first guy asked for my phone number, I was worried that he might rape or kill me. I couldn’t exactly tell my roommate or anyone this because it would be seen as some racist thing. It wasn’t racist, though. I would’ve worried about the same thing if it had been a white or any other race guy. If it had been a girl, I would’ve worried that she would kill or hurt me. It’s just my automatic first reaction to people. When the girl from the Bible study group, I thought that she might be from a cult. I don’t exactly have regular reactions to people.

It’s not just strangers that I don’t feel safe with. I don’t feel safe with a lot of people I know. People who most people would just feel absolutely calm with, but I just can’t trust people. About the only person I feel really safe with is my mom. She doesn’t scare me. It’s amazing. She has a lot of problems (most of which are just like mine or worse than mine) and that should scare me, but she doesn’t.

My dad had an interview today for a job. I hope he gets it. I always hope that he gets the jobs he interviews for. He never seems to get them, but I always hope that he’ll get one. I figure one of these days he has to get hired for something.

I’ve gotten 15.5 hours of my volunteer work done. That means I only need to work 4.5 hours tomorrow to get my 20 hours for this month done. I’ll probably go ahead and work the full 5+ hours, though. I’m starting to get really attached to two of the kitties there. Their names are Abby and Aggie. They are absolutely adorable and so sweet. They’re sisters and need to be adopted together, but since Aggie is rather shy, no one seems to be keen on taking them. My mom and I both adore them, but we can’t have cats because Molly would either be chasing them or shredding them to pieces. (Xander would be in love and would try to convince the cats that he was one of them.)

Plugs: Cindy, Jolene, Joyce, Krista, Marina, Mel, Robbie, Stacey

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I got into a small argument with a girl in my Social Work class (towards the end of it) today over Andrea Yates. I couldn’t believe how close-minded this girl was being, especially for a Social Work class. She was saying how she thought Andrea Yates deserved to be hanged and I brought up that Andrea Yates had had mental health problems for years before she killed her children. The girl didn’t care and even said, “Well, I could say that I heard voices, too.” Yeah, someone could lie about the stuff, but Andrea Yates wasn’t lying. I tried to explain to the girl that what happened wasn’t premeditated and that her problems contributed it, but she wouldn’t listen. How can she be an advocate for people who need her (including the mentally ill) if she refuses to take into account the problems that they have? I mean, she was all for sitting down with a person who dropped a dimebag and seeing what was going on in their life before doing anything like calling the cops on them, but when it comes to mental illness, I guess that’s just not important to her.

I got stressed out about the argument and it took me a while to start thinking clearly after the class. I guess I need to be more careful about arguments I get into. I don’t want to have a nervous breakdown every time I disagree with someone.

Oh, my mom thinks I should be in comprehensive care at the Mental Health Center. She and I had talked about it before, but I guess she thought that I was “sane enough” to be in the regular section. Well, on the drive home from The Ark this afternoon, we were talking about different things and I brought up suicide. Well, she asked me questions, like if I thought about it and if I had any sort of plan. Then, I said something about how I think about how I want to kill myself in every class, which she said was somewhat normal. Then, I asked her if it was normal to think about slitting your wrists in every class (and when I’m not in class). She thought that that wasn’t so “normal” and that I needed to be in comprehensive care. I told her that I had told this and some more psych issues (that are too private to be expressed here) to the therapist and that she kind of just glossed over it like nothing was going on. (I would tell her about things that I thought were serious and she would ignore them, while she overstressed working on other things, like getting out more.) Needless to say, she’s quite happy that my therapist is going into private practice and won’t be my therapist anymore.

Plugs: Andrea, Chels, Chelsea, Cindy, Jenb, Jo, Lexa, Lien, Tessi

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Leo won last night at the Golden Globes. I’m so happy for him. He’s been my favorite actor for almost 7 years, and its about time for him to start winning major awards. Of course, my father and I have started arguing about who deserves the Oscar for Best Actor more. Well, not necessarily who deserves it more, but who we think will win. I want Leo to win. My dad thinks it will be Jamie Foxx, which is probably true, but my dad thinks that Leo is “too young and too pretty” to even get a nomination. He’s 30. He’s not too young. He was like 19 when he got his first (and only one so far) nomination. I won’t be mad if Jamie wins the Oscar and Leo doesn’t because from what I’ve seen Jamie did do an incredible job in Ray, but I will be a bit mad if Leo doesn’t get nominated for the Oscar, though.

I was rather annoyed that Kate Winslet and Jennifer Garner didn’t win their respective awards. I thought Kate was incredible in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but I guess that maybe the movie is too complex to get any awards. And Jennifer Garner rocks on Alias, so of course she needed to win.

Anyways…I’m not in school today because its Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. I’m glad to have the time off, but I’m not really getting to rest or relax. I never get to rest or relax. I don’t even know if I know how to rest or relax. I’m always stressed out over something. I need to learn how to stop being like that.

My knees still hurt from working at The Ark on Saturday. They have huge bruises on them from getting up and down off the concrete floors. The bruises make me dread working there tomorrow afternoon. Knowing my luck, by the end of this semester, the bruises will probably have spread to my whole body.

Plugs: Ally, Chels, Irene, Jenny, Kat, Lien, Lucy, Michelle, Rhiann, Sam, Sarah, Soth, Stacey, Tashie

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Today was my first day of volunteering at The Ark, a local no-kill animal shelter. It was interesting. My knees, legs, and back hurt because I kept having to sit on the floor to hold the kittens and cats. I was assigned to play with the cats and kittens all day, which is a pretty easy job. I had to help socialize two kittens. One of them, a pretty grey and white kitten, I was able to play with and help get it to where it would come curl up in your lap. The other, a pretty yellow kitten, was still very shy by the end of the day. The grey one, along with most of the other cats that were at the shelter, got adopted.

At the end of the day, I found out that one of the cats that I had been playing with had ringworm. I knew something was wrong with her ear and that she was having to have some medication given to her, but no one told me that she had ringworm. So, when I got home a little while ago, I went straight to the bathroom to take a shower and my clothes that I had worn to the shelter are being washed as I type this up. Of course, I have nervous itching now. I’ll probably itch until I forget about the ringworm.

So, why am I volunteering? Well, I have to get in 50 hours of volunteer time by the middle of March in order to pass my Social Work class. Of that 50, 20 has to be done before the 27th of January…not a lot of time. I did 5 hours today, and I plan on going back next Tuesday afternoon, Friday, and Saturday. That should give me 19 hours. I hope I’m able to get the other hour in somewhere along the way. I know I can’t volunteer the next Tuesday because of an appointment I have at the Mental Health Center. I don’t know if she’d give partial credit (the 20 hours is worth 75 points) if I only got in 19 hours. Maybe I won’t have to find out.

Plugs: Chelsea, Cindy, Jennifer, Jenny, Manu, Marina, Sam, Sarah

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