2
August

Nerves set afire

Have you ever felt REALLY nervous when you’re about to start to a new school? Well, this is worse than any nervous experience in my whole life…that I can think of. All of my friends keep asking me if I’m excited about going to college, my answer is:

NO!!!!!!!

I’m not excited. I’m nervous! VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY nervous! Not that I’ll fail (well, not very nervous). Not that I’ll be late for classes. I’m nervous about seeing all those people. I mean, there are 8,000 people who go to the 3 campuses of Calhoun. I really don’t want to embarrass myself in front of a fraction of those people.

*sigh*

I also keep telling them that sometimes I wonder if I’m ready for this. Then, they ask if I think I made the wrong decision when I dropped out. I KNOW that I made the right decision. I mean, I feel it in my heart. I know that I couldn’t have stayed one more second. High school was not for me. But there are so many things that I wish I could’ve experienced:

More pep rallies
2 Junior/Senior Proms (I quit a few months before the first one I’d have gone to)
The ability to be nominated for homecoming court (If Coach Val had written down MY name instead of Megan’s, I would’ve been on the nominations list…and it wasn’t that I didn’t get the votes of my homeroom. They voted for Leigh and me, but Coach Val LOVED Megan…:oP)
Senior Skip Day
Graduation
Saying goodbye to all my friends

I’m never going to get those things…I mean, yeah, I’ll graduate and I’ll have the chance to say goodbye to my friends before they go to college, but I won’t get 175 more days to say how much they mean to me. I won’t get all those little things that you don’t realize how much you love until they’re gone.

I have got to quit talking about this stuff, because I’m going to start crying. :*( I cry really easily.

You know, over the past few weeks, people have really only gotten to see the annoyed me. Well, from here on out, I’m going to try to focus more on me and my friends–online and off. :)

Oh, my mom has decided yet AGAIN that I can have a DIFFERENT time to take classes and this time, I’ll get them in Decatur. :o P She doesn’t want me to have to stay at school alone for two hours because she’ll have to drop me off at 2 so she can go to work…So, now I may have to go to school at 8 in the morning. That really doesn’t thrill me, because it’s about an hour from my house to the campus. NO FUN!!!!!

Aw…Xan looks so depressed. I don’t know if he’s really sad or if he just wants attention. (He is SOOOO good at manipulation.)

*yawn*

I slept for a little while longer this more after I took X-boy for his walk.

My butt hurts. I know, you didn’t need to know that, but…who cares? It’s my diary…it’s my butt, it hurts…I share. So…:oP

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I now have “Born to Make You Happy” by Pinky Spears in my head thanks to some stupid tv commercial.

Oh, that reminds me…I updated my AOL profile. It still looks stupid, but it’s mine so that makes sense. :) If you have AOL, just go to get a member profile and type in Jadimo. You’ll see my dorkiness.

Well, I guess I get to go check my faves. I want to thank those of you who’ve left nice notes over the past few weeks, because I don’t feel like I ever thank you guys enough. Nice notes really do touch my heart. :)

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2
August

Frustration

I’m very frustrated. My dad suggested that I leave OD because of some of the stuff that has been going on here, but I don’t want to. I’ve never been the type to leave a place just because of the other people. Usually, it has to hold something personal to make me want to leave.

I think OD is awesome. I really do.

Yeah, I understand that they can’t delete every diary on here that violates a rule or even moderate like they say they’re supposed to, BUT…

There is a certain point when they just let things get a little too wild.

I’m not planning on leaving. I don’t care what people say to or about me. I’ll just have the diary monitor’s e-mail on my copy/paste list and get in touch with them A LOT.

I shouldn’t have to spend 20 minutes deleting notes someone left me in 5 minutes, because they left at least 50-100. No one should have to do that. I shouldn’t have to go through that and neither should anyone else on here.

So, if you want to harass me, go ahead. I know the e-mails of the diary monitor and of some good online harassment people…so go ahead.

I’ve told many people to leave me alone, but obviously they don’t read that part. So…I can’t keep them from harassing me, but…I can try to move on with my life and just delete their rudeness.

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2
August

What is friendship?

I recently found out that some of the people from the BB don’t want to be friends with those of us who are leaving. Now, what’s up with that? We were friends before I officially left (and let’s face it, I wasn’t there for a month, so you couldn’t have missed me), but now that I’m saying that I’m leaving I’m all of a sudden not worth for a friendship? What?

If everytime someone left a situation because of age, further schooling, moving, etc. they lost a friend, none of us would have friends. People go to college! People have school! People have RL friends and family! People have problems offline! Yes, I consider people online to be just as good of friends as my offline ones, but…that doesn’t mean that I would dump them just because they moved on with their life!

Everyone at the BB should’ve realized that I was going to be leaving soon. I’d been talking about going to college since I got there at Christmas and now that I’ve got 18 days until it starts, they should’ve realized the time was coming. This shouldn’t come as some big shock.

I thought that those people who were staying deserved to hear from me one last time. I thought they deserved to know that I’d miss them. I thought they deserved to know that I was going to go to college and pursue my dream of becoming a psychologist. I want to help people and now, it’s like I’ve hurt a lot more than I’m going to help.

I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my offline life to please people that I’ll probably never meet. People who probably forget about me whenever they turn their computer off. I mean, I am not going to pay money to go to school and fail because I was up 1/2 the night before catching up on posts and in a chat. I’m sorry, but my RL is more important than that. I don’t have the money or time to devote to being full-time OL girl, full-time friend, full-time daughter, and student. I mean, yes, I’m only going to have classes for about 3 hours, 2 nights a week, but…I’ll have assignments and projects. I also have to keep up with my friends (some who I’ve known for 12 years!) who’ll be LEAVING for college next year.

I can’t just say I’ll devote my life to you guys when obviously you could care less about me.

If people can’t understand this…then, that’s their problem. If I knew of anyone (online or off) who was going to go to college and get their degree, which was something they’ve wanted since they were a little kid, and needed to take that time off for that, I would be happy. I would be saying, “Good luck! Have fun! Do well!” I would be giving them a card or sending them a virtual bouquet of flowers. I would do something other than post some entry in my diary that said:

If they think they’ve grown up, then they can go away. I don’t want to have to deal with them anymore. I’m deleting them from this thing and that thing and the other.

Lisa, Manda, if you two are reading this, I’m keeping you on my faves. I’m still going to check up on you, because you two are sweethearts. You guys mean a lot to me. If you don’t like me because I’m growing up, well, that’s TDB!

To quote Bon Jovi:

“It’s my life. It’s now or never. I ain’t gonna live forever. I just wanna live while I’m alive.”

This is my life. This is my choice.

If you are my friend or ever were my friend, you’d respect that.

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2
August

Ditziness

LOL…I’m a ditz! I always come to OD on my notes page. (I just pull down the history page and click on the ‘jadimo – Read All Notes’ thing. Well, today, I clicked on it and I forgot that one time when I was checking my notes (it was a couple of days ago…my history on the thing isn’t always the LAST sites I went to) I was trying to find an old OD friend’s diary and it was like a month or so ago. Well, I clicked on it and I had this page with notes that were a few months old and I was wondering why I had so many notes that were so old and where my newer notes are. Then, I looked at the bottom and I realized I was a few hundred notes in, instead of on the 1-30 page. LOL…I can be such a ditz.

Yesterday, I had to do something that I didn’t know if I had the guts to do. I left the Buffy Board. With college coming up, I just wasn’t going to have time. And I grew up. I mean, there were certain things that had bugged me for a while. You see, there was always a tradition of attacking “evil” newbies. I wasn’t attacked and neither were several of the other people, because we were “likable”. Actually, it was because of the way we introduced ourself. One of the reasons that some people used for attacking these people was the way they’d spell things. What about my friend who has dyslexia and another learning disability? She’s smart and going to college this fall. However, if you were to read a message board post or an e-mail, you might not be able to tell it…especially, if it were the first time. So, why do people automatically call people who are different “stupid”? There is usually an underlying cause.

And calling all teenage mothers sluts? That bugs me. Many of them are FAR from being sluts. *Mommy-ness* & Mevs… were implied as being sluts, but they’re not. Yes, they’re 19 year old mothers, but they’re also married. Since when does having sex with your husband count as sluttiness? Some girls get pregnant with they’re long-time love, husband, or by rape. Now, those don’t exactly fit my standard of the word ‘slut’. Yet, some girls who don’t get pregnant can be VERY slutty. Why is it that, unless someone gets pregnant or gets an STD, people who have sex are just regular people? Sometimes, accidents happen. Sometimes, it’s planned, when a couple decides to have a baby. I don’t think we can determine what’s best for everyone, just for ourselves.

Anyways…

I have to rant sometimes.

My mom, dad, and I talked about college some more last night. I’m not going to go to the Decatur campus of Calhoun and I’m not going full-time. I’m going to go part-time at the intown campus. Instead of English, Math (don’t know which because I haven’t taken the placement test), Biology and Psychology, I’ve decided I want to take Psych and Sociology my first semester. I need to ease in. Of course, it’ll be evening classes, because that’s all they offer here. When we were talking, we decided that the English class would possibly get me my former 11th grade English teacher and I didn’t like her. (She liked my poetry and my ability to comprehend the subjects (and sing when my tape didn’t work), but she and I didn’t really like each other on a more personal basis. She thought I was trying to skip class, when I had to leave a bit early because of my knee and my broken foot. :o P Can you blame me if it were true? Which, of course, it wasn’t.) Then, the math classes can end up being taught by the engineers from the local aerospace companies (i.e. Boeing, Lockheed Martin, the Arsenal (okay, so that’s a Fed thing), etc.) and that would NOT be good.

I talked to my friend Maggie last night and she asked me if I ever wanted to go back to high school. I did have some regrets. I mean, I’ll never get all the lovely Senior year stuff. I’ll never get to go to my own prom. (I quit before the Junior/Senior prom.) But…I can’t go back. I mean, it was so hard on me. Yes, I had plenty of friends and the courses were easy. I just hated the politics. I hated not having the ability to pick and choose what I wanted to do. I hated the thought of being controlled. I want to have control of my destiny, and not have some guy down in Montgomery have his senior staffers come up with what classes I HAVE to take to succeed in life. Besides, if I had gone back the 2nd semester of 11th grade from homebound, I would’ve been 1/2 a year behind, because I only got 4 .5 credits. If I had waited until this fall, I’d be a Junior again. I didn’t want that. If I was going to graduate, it was going to be with MY class and no one else. So, I told her that and she understood. I also told her that I’m planning on going to all the football games that I can make it to this fall and she was happy.

Speaking of football…I’ve decided I’ve waited long enough before talking to a certain football player again. I can’t call him (I want to, but it’s impossible for me, right now.) and he never gets online anymore, so I’m having to write him a letter. This time, I’m not going to tell him how I feel about him. I’m just going to tell him that I miss hanging out with him and talking to him. I’m also going to tell him that I need to have him let me know that he at least got the letter. I need to know that he wants me as a friend. I mean, the time I actually did get to talk to him when I called, he acted like he did and he told me to call him back the next day…and I couldn’t. It was too hard. It takes me a month to work up the courage to call someone (longer for this boy) and with school starting, it’s just impossible…

Well, I need to go for now. TTYL!

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