Last night, I was trying to go to sleep and I started thinking about things. I was trying to figure out how long it’d been since I’d cut myself. It’s been 2 months and 2 weeks. I’m really happy about that. I know I’ve urged really bad, but the thing is…I can control it. I know I can. I’m always going to urge, but I don’t have to act on the urge. Now, I can do other things. I can write poems. I can write in here and if it’s too personal (or rude) I can write in my journal. I can talk to my parents. I realize that there are other things in my life and other ways to cope with stress. I wish I could’ve realized that 60 or so cuts ago. But…I guess, I had to learn the hard way.
Anyways…I never talk about the first time I did it, but…I guess I can try.
It was May 7, 2000 (yes, I remember the day) at about 7 pm (I know because Touched by an Angel was on). My mom and I were arguing. I wanted to go to a concert the next weekend and she said I wasn’t doing enough work around the house to go. (I’d gotten the tickets for it 2 months earlier.) I was working REALLY hard and she was just yelling at me. I got so mad and I wasn’t thinking about anything else except being angry. I was in my bedroom standing between my bed and my dresser. My mind was racing so fast. I was hearing things that I know couldn’t have been me. I kept hearing, “Make her pay! Do it! Cut. You know you can! You know you want to.” I thought once, “What am I thinking?” But what I was thinking was not what I ended up doing. I ran into the bathroom…I was crying and I slammed the door. I remember making the first cut…and that’s it. I don’t remember the next few cuts. I remember feeling bad after that. I remember using “devil-in-a-can” (it’s one of those spray on anti-septic/numbing things) and it burnt really bad.
I know after that day, I swore to Ana that I would NEVER do it again…and if I did I would tell her AND my mom. I did it again in July…and again in October…I didn’t tell my mom until around Christmas. It was hard. I knew that she didn’t expect me to have that problem. Afterall, I had a good family, for the most part. I knew I was loved, but there were deeper problems that I never wanted to talk about with her.
I hadn’t even told Marvin at that point. Right after I told him, he put me on Zyprexa (which is mainly used for the treatment of Schizophrenia and other chronic conditions). Of course, I didn’t learn until later that the Xanax that I was on could actually make my psychotic tendencies worse and the 2 anti-depressants and Zyprexa could possibly make my Bipolar (which I didn’t know I had) worse.
The worst that I’ve done was in January…that was 22 times. Now, none of my cuts have been deep. They’ve always been like cat scratches–nasty looking, but nothing major. They were always bad enough to worry my family (even before they knew that I was the one doing it).
I do know that everyone has a different story. I know that people who’ve been abused all are different. I also know that what I write in my diary is my business. It’s not the business of the readers of another diary. Also, what I write in e-mails is not their business either. Yes, there are some people that I have problems with, but I didn’t really ever say that I didn’t like them. Of course, you know, I don’t like some people on here, but I try not to go around saying, “I don’t like you.” I do think some people aren’t exactly kosher about what they write about. I mean, it is rare to daydream about traumatic events…or so I’ve heard.
Anyways…if people want to focus on the bad things in life, then they can do that. As for me, I think I’ll try to remember the happy things. Happy, happy, happy. If you think of the bad things too much, you’ll get depressed.
Anyways…I’ve created a doll-making monster. Poor, Jaime (best friend since Kindergarten, so that’d be about 12 years…whoa, baby). She saw my website and is now going doll-making crazy. And, it isn’t just her. Her mom sent her away from the computer to do something, and when Jaime came back, her mom was making dolls. What have I done?! LOL! I can just picture her mom sitting there making dolls.
WHY MUST I HAVE “BOOTYLICIOUS” IN MY HEAD?!
When I’m not thinking about *NSYNC or Spice Girls songs, I have “Bootylicious” in my head. What’s up with that? Why that song? I mean, yes it’s a good song. I like “Brown Eyes” better. Actually, “Brown Eyes” is my favorite off of Survivor. I can’t help it that I love that song. It’s so sweet. And one of the guys I have a crush on just happens to have what color eyes? Yep, brown! 
It is so good to talk to Jaime. I am so glad that we’re still friends. I mean, she is absolutely the coolest. Well, she’s dorky, too. But she’s a cool chick! And our convo has turned for the mushiness. LOL…YAY! She’s gonna write me a letter! It’s so hard to keep in touch sometimes! She only lives like 15 minutes away, but…it can be difficult to talk.
I still haven’t found my ID. I had better look harder for it.
Ick…something is wrong with Brian Jordan of the Braves. That is so not good. He’s one of the best players on the team. (Of course, we all know who I like the most. ) If we could pick whether we’re going to watch the Braves or the race, I might know what’s going on…but of course, my family isn’t like that!
Oh well, I love my parents anyways! I love all of my family anyway! I even love Dadada, who was abusive, an ex-con, and threatened to blow up a tv station. I love Uncle Frank, even though I never knew him and supposedly he killed a man in/from Georgia, so he could never go back there. You know, my family isn’t the most “normal” family in the world, but I love them anyway.
Oh, Steph, yeah, I do like to be the mediator. I can’t help it that I want everyone to get along and be friends. I mean, that’s always been my goal. I want the “preps” to like the “goths”. I want the rich kids to like the poor kids. I want the blondes to like the brunettes. I just want this world to be a more peaceful place.
Yes, I’m one of those dorks who tossed a coin into a fountain and wished for world peace.
And at the same time, I’ve been rude to people. I won’t deny that. I’ve told people to leave my friends alone. I’ve gotten in arguements. I won’t say I’m the best person in the world, because let’s face it…I’m not. I’m not perfect and I know that. I also know that no one else on Earth is perfect. How could they be? It just never happens.
And I still believe everyone needs therapy, because everyone has their own inner “demons”.
Yay! Jaime may be getting an OD! This will be great!!! You guys, who like me, will like her. She and I are very much alike, but we’re also very different. She’s a bit wilder than I am. But we’re both crazy chicks. (I’ve always thought of her as being more crazy, but…who knows?)
You know, it’s funny…we used to talk on the phone SOOOO much when we were little kids (we were in 2nd grade). Like right after I moved, we’d talk for an hour every other day about who knows what? I used to joke around and pretend that I like was someone else. She always knew it was me, but it was fun being silly.
*sigh*
Those were the days!
OOOOHHH! 
P A certain player just struck out. No, fair!
And Jaime’s number has to be easier than mine? That’s not fair either!
*sigh*
Whatever!
I would just like to state something for the record:
Jaime is a crazy chick!
Jaime is a crazy chick!
Jaime is a crazy chick!
Jaime is a crazy chick!
I’d share our convo, but parts of it are just a bit personal. You know, I seriously don’t think I want to share my phone number with you guys…sorry!
I don’t really know what else to talk about, so I’ll go check my faves.
and 2.) this is a tv show…and they can ACT like it happened to them, but it didn’t.
And then, Dad had one yesterday. I’ve had some bad ones the past few days. I DID take 2 doses of extra strength Tylenol. (Actually, it was generic.) And no, I didn’t ask…but I still think I’m in control of it. It’s not like I’m abusing…just taking for relief of pain, which is one of their uses, right? Right. It makes me nervous. *sigh*