I dropped out because I was having severe anxiety (worrying, crying, etc.) and panic. My depression was also getting worse. I was in homebound and I was falling behind, so I would’ve ended up graduating at least one year late, if not two or three. So I decided to drop out. My dad wasn’t too thrilled, but my mom couldn’t say anything. She dropped out when she was 16, too. I’m going to get my GED and go to college. So there’s my little story.

There are certain things that make me regret dropping out. Most of them have to do with my friends.

I’m never going to have a prom. I had always wanted so badly to go to a prom. I liked the thought of getting dressed up (although I don’t like wearing dresses much) and going out and dancing and having fun. And I’m never going to get to do that.

I’m never going to get to graduate from high school. I’m not going to walk across the stage and *possibly* do a speech or sing.

I’m never going to get to be OCS (Outstanding Choral Student). I’m never going to get to get 6 or 7 years in All City. Of course, after being sick I ruined my streak of every year since middle school. I guess that may be part of why I dropped out.

I’m never going to fulfill certain dreams of mine.

Of course, since I’ve dropped out, my dreams have changed. I’ve become more realistic. I guess I realized that my life isn’t just some silly little school thing. I’m not just a girl who gets friends by letting them copying her work. I’m not a girl who has superficial friendships. I have REAL friendships and I never knew that. I always thought people were just using me. After all, who would want to be the fat girl’s friend? Obviously, everyone. I’m like Sally Field at the Oscar’s with the whole “they like me!” thing going.

Life isn’t what we make it out to be…it’s what it is.

I keep thinking about it. I can’t believe that I may start as early as this summer. (My mom hasn’t really said no for sure…) I really am looking forward to it, but in some ways, I’m very nervous about it.

What if I have a panic attack? I haven’t had one in about two or three weeks, but that wasn’t at a school. That was at the mall, and I LOVE the mall. I hate school. So…it might be worse. Of course, all this anxiety is just going to cause me to have a panic attack about having a panic attack.

I’m worried about what people will think. I was always the girl who was supposed to be perfect. I was the one who dreamed of going to Yale when I was 8 and continued dreaming about it until I was about 14. I was the girl who was at the top of the class. I was the one who everyone wanted to copy the answers off of (and often did). And now, I’m going to go to a community college. It just seems rather ironic. When most people think of community colleges, they think of a slacker. Of course, I am a high school drop out. Of course, I will be starting a year early. And I keep on making that vow to myself that I won’t care about what other people think. But how long do you honestly think that vow lasts? Not very long. Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I should just wait. No, I shouldn’t.

I need to start college soon. And I need to start it in town, near my therapists and where I still live at home with my family. I need to be safe before I thinking of leaving “the nest”. If I can’t have my razor, then I definitely can’t live out on my own.

Of course, do you blame my mother for taking away my razors and blades? (I actually have two razors.) I’m surprised she didn’t take the floss dispenser away. (I’ve used the metal thing that tears the floss to cut myself before.) And my ban from the kitchen is no longer in place. Of course, I’m surprised that I’m still allowed to unload the dishwasher with all the knives and stuff. She knows I’ve used knives before. I guess she has to trust me somehow.

I don’t know. Everything is just driving me crazy.

I was looking at a pregnancy site (just to see what it said) and it discussed fetal development. Well, it said that at 40-42 weeks is when you’re supposed to have the baby. And if you don’t have the baby by the end of the 42nd week, the doctor will induce you. Well, I was at least 5 weeks late. (Depends on the due date; Dec. 31-Jan. 14 was my due date time. February 17 was when I was born.) My mom had always told me that she would’ve gotten induced earlier had she not been sick, but I really wonder how long I was going to stay in there. LOL…I wonder if anyone has been born later than that. :\ Any amazing stories for me?

So the race at Talledega (Tallidiggie in my family) is about to start. I’m writing this at a little after noon. I won’t be able to post this in my diary until OD is back up online. It really frustrates me that OD is down right now ’cause I really want to check and see who all has left me nasty notes. Oh, I decided that since some people are being rude, I’m letting the diary monitor know. There has got to be something done to stop people from harrassing other people. If that means those people losing their OD accounts, then so be it. Don’t do the crime if you’re not ready to do the time. This is my diary, so it’s up to me to keep it clean and safe. Upsetting notes DO get to me. I shouldn’t have to deal with them. I have enough going on in my life without having to read rude notes.

My room is almost done being “renovated”. LOL. We started working on July 4th. I’m hopefully going to have all my stuff back in my room by July 4th of this year. Actually, I would hope that it would be in there by May 4th. LOL. If I’m not on much in the next few days, just assume that I’m probably working on my room…or reading…

Hopefully, I’ll get those books from Amazon.com sometime this week. They haven’t been shipped yet. Of course it takes a few days for Dear Diary to even be shipped. It’s not readily available. LOL. And I’m not going to get Jake Finds Out ’cause it’s (according to Amazon) out of print. That’s crazy that the second book in the series is out of print, but the rest aren’t. It’s really frustrating. I want to know what Jake does when he finds out about Zoey and Lucas. I think my favorite character is either Zoey (who I really identify with) or Nina. Jake seems like a jerk and Lucas seems to be too much of an outcast. Not that I don’t like outcasts…I’d probably be like Zoey and befriend him anyway, but he just seems to take it rather well. Usually outcasts are at least mad at the people who don’t like them. Or so that’s been my experience.

My sinus infection is getting worse. It’s really making me upset. I can’t believe I have to be sick. It’s finally getting to be a pretty time of year and I don’t get to enjoy it. Although with my allergies, I probably wouldn’t get to enjoy it anyway.

Anyways…I was flipping through my diary (my handwritten one) last night…I really was struggling with a lot of stress when I was in school. I read through the diary and I was sick with aches and pains that no one could explain and now I really think it was stress. Back when it was diagnosed as stress, I just scoffed and said that it wasn’t humanly possible for me to be stressed out and now I know…I was. I still am in some forms. I get stressed out easily though. I don’t know why. It probably just has to do with hereditary and environment. My parents are both easily stressed people. We all lead high-stress lives.

Ow…it burns when I breathe. I keep coughing up nasty stuff. I know, you don’t need a visual. It really is nasty to be sick. I’m always sick.

Oh well…what do I have to say?

Oh I know…how many people here watch racing? I do. I like Jeff Gordon. (He’s mega bien & a very good driver.) My mom likes Tony Stewart. My dad’s kind of torn between the two. Elijah likes Mark Martin ’cause he has some of his merchandise.

I really hope that no one thinks I’m that screwed up Jenna chick. I’ve checked around (I went to the OD Fakers site-go to Juliepatchouli’s diary for the link) and it seems so hilarious and stupid that someone would make up so much of their life and other lives. She stole baby pictures and passed them off as her own. Isn’t that just stupid and crazy? Who would be so idiotic? I know I would never pretend I was someone else. I didn’t tell people about my other diary because I didn’t want people from here to bash me and I didn’t want people from it to bash me, but now I’ve decided since people seem to think I’m Jenna, that I’ll just be completely honest. I don’t want to be compared to some other loser without a life. I happen to be proud of my status as a ditzy-klutz (Dutz) without a life. Thank you very much.

You know, I don’t know why I have to be so concerned with other people having to like me. It drives me crazy. I just want to be “Miss Popularity” with everyone and it’s really stupid, because there really is no reason to be popular with everyone. It’s just really dumb. In order to be popular, you either have to have almost everyone hate you or have almost everyone love you. I want to be loved. I am loved by my friends and family, but for some reason…THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!! I want to feel loved and be loved by everyone. Being unpopular is just unthought of. Some days I wish I had never been born because then I wouldn’t have to be torn between being myself and being the girl that everyone loves. Those are two distinctive people…although, most wouldn’t think that.

Go Jeffy! He’s almost in tenth place. OMG…I hope that what happened with Dale Earnhardt Sr. at Daytona never happens again. That was a really sad day. I didn’t really even like him, but he’d been around forever and I just couldn’t imagine racing without him. But it’s practically the same. The only thing that’s different is that he’s not there anymore. That’s all.

Well, I’m going to surf the web some. I’ll probably write another entry later and post it even later.