I keep thinking about it. I can’t believe that I may start as early as this summer. (My mom hasn’t really said no for sure…) I really am looking forward to it, but in some ways, I’m very nervous about it.
What if I have a panic attack? I haven’t had one in about two or three weeks, but that wasn’t at a school. That was at the mall, and I LOVE the mall. I hate school. So…it might be worse. Of course, all this anxiety is just going to cause me to have a panic attack about having a panic attack.
I’m worried about what people will think. I was always the girl who was supposed to be perfect. I was the one who dreamed of going to Yale when I was 8 and continued dreaming about it until I was about 14. I was the girl who was at the top of the class. I was the one who everyone wanted to copy the answers off of (and often did). And now, I’m going to go to a community college. It just seems rather ironic. When most people think of community colleges, they think of a slacker. Of course, I am a high school drop out. Of course, I will be starting a year early. And I keep on making that vow to myself that I won’t care about what other people think. But how long do you honestly think that vow lasts? Not very long. Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I should just wait. No, I shouldn’t.
I need to start college soon. And I need to start it in town, near my therapists and where I still live at home with my family. I need to be safe before I thinking of leaving “the nest”. If I can’t have my razor, then I definitely can’t live out on my own.
Of course, do you blame my mother for taking away my razors and blades? (I actually have two razors.) I’m surprised she didn’t take the floss dispenser away. (I’ve used the metal thing that tears the floss to cut myself before.) And my ban from the kitchen is no longer in place. Of course, I’m surprised that I’m still allowed to unload the dishwasher with all the knives and stuff. She knows I’ve used knives before. I guess she has to trust me somehow.
I don’t know. Everything is just driving me crazy.