All my life that’s all I’ve tried to do. All I’ve ever wanted is for people to tell me that they think I’m good enough. Is that too much to ask for?
I was always too fat for my grandfather. He wanted me to be just like my cousin, Heather. She was perfect. She had the perfect brown hair and the classic look. She was a cheerleader. She was smart, although she acted ditzy. She was wonderful.
I always wanted to please my cousins. I wanted Heather to think I was cool enough. Even though she’s fourteen years older than me, I still want her approval. I wanted Eric to think I was smart enough. He became an engineer and got a great job. He’s also fourteen years older than me. Then, of course there’s Jay. He’s the only one who ever seemed to accept me for me.
I wanted my parents to think that I was the best child they could ever have. I don’t think I have ever lived up to their expectations. I was a sick child. I am a sick teen. I never felt beautiful enough for them, even when they said that beauty didn’t matter.
I wanted to be perfect like my friends. I always have hung out with the beautiful people. You know, the smart, funny, beautiful people who are on every team and who have money. You know the type. The all-American kids. I wanted to be just like them. I never felt good enough.
Most of all, I wanted to please myself. I’ve never done that. I’ve always felt ugly and unlovable. I’ve felt like my body was more important than my brain. My brain wasn’t ever good enough either. I’d be in the most advanced classes making A’s and B’s and I just always felt like I wasn’t good enough. If I took the easy classes and made 100’s, then I wasn’t challenging myself hard enough.
I don’t think I’ll ever be who I want to be, because who I want to be is an impossible goal.