So right now I’m fighting off heavy urges to cut. My God…who’d have thunk (yes, I realize that that isn’t a real word) that almost a year after I first cut, I’d be addicted to it? It’s sickening. It’s such a vile habit, but it’s my coping mechanism. Why? I don’t know. It’s not a good one. I wish I had another one.
I called JA. He wasn’t home. He was at youth group. Probably the SAME youth group I decided I was too scared to go to. What is going on here? Is this some signal from God? Maybe I should’ve gone to youth group. Oh well. I’m going Wednesday if I have to drag my mom and dad out unwillingly. I have to get over my social phobia. I can’t have this fear of my friends forever.
It’s weird to think that I used to be so bubbly when I was little. Then, I turn into a girl who has a freakin’ panic attack over a phone call to a boy who probably has a girlfriend. My God. What’s wrong with me? I’m like a total freak and fruitcake because of my sp. I can’t help it. I’m sick of hearing “your time will come” with boys and not being scared. Yeah freakin’ right. I’m always going to be shy. You wanna know why? That way I can keep people from loving/liking me. That way my friends can be kept far enough away so I won’t get too emotionally attached. If I get attached, they’ll either burn me or go away. That’s what always happens. Every single time.
Oh well. I guess that’s all for now.